It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
Agust D – Haegeum
Don’t you hate those scenes in movies when the hero is pointing the gun at the villain and stupidly actually lets the villain talk at length about his great master plan instead of just shooting him in the face and then getting some lunch? Here’s that annoying illogical moment extended into a full hip-hop song. It wouldn’t happen on my watch. Hana doesn’t waste time listening to men, she would shoot immediately without waiting for him to finish his dogshit raps first, just saying.
SEVENTEEN – Super
Choo choo hey look Seventeen fans here comes the validation train and oh look there it goes, right past your station without stopping, oh well bye bye train.
THE BOYZ – Nolza
Look, how aegyo! Enjoy the cute concepts from this group while you still can, let’s have a cute k-pop party uwu
OH MY GIRL – Miracle
Who wrote that chorus synth melody, obviously a dickhead. Next.
ALICE – Show Down
I am so sick of fixing these k-pop songs. I spent a ton of time fixing this one and then I realised there were two stupid drop sections in it. Fuck it, no more help from me, just write a better song next time. Maybe if they spent 10% of the energy they put into working out how to show off Sohee’s body into the actual music…
DRIPPIN – Seven Sins
I’m pretty sure I know what the eighth sin is.
Golden Child – Crayon
Like a lot of k-pop songs, the backing track actually has some real moments and the big problem is that they gave some k-pop boys permission to sing over them so you can’t hear any of the good stuff.
Apink – Candy
Designer pre-ripped jeans belong in the same idiocy bin as pre-aged “vintage” guitars. Apink could lose serious points in the only k-pop charts that matter if they keep this up.
NCT DOJAEJUNG – Kiss
Not much of a song but at least you get some abs under stripper lights.
Kihyun, Joohoney – Awake
Wow, the rapping parts and the singing parts really don’t fit together at all, do they. Every k-pop wants to be Mr Bungle for some reason and gets about 2% of the way there before the agency says “hang on now, that’s enough of that”.
Giuk – Time Machine (2100)
Don’t worry about finding the secret to eternal life, in 77 years time music will apparently still be shit.
BLITZERS – Macarena
I missed the whole Macarena thing completely when it first appeared and this song makes me grateful, whether it sounds like it or not.
BF – Finale
Apparently this is the group Boyfriend, calling themselves BF now for god knows what reason. I like how they’re staring at the cassette tapes like “what the fuck is this strange item, shit I don’t even own a cassette player”.
BXB – Hola!
It’s scientific fact that there are no good songs with the word “hola” in the title that do exist or ever can exist in the future. The technology just doesn’t exist.
Antares – Runaway
Another song that kind of has a tone problem, it might’ve been alright if the songwriters were able to work out just exactly what they were doing.
Kursor feat. Jenyer – Habit
I guess Jenyer is what she calls herself when she lets her standards down.
Puer Kim – Mirror is my middle name
Puer Kim is back and she doesn’t give a fuck what you want. Or what I want, for that matter. As much as I’m not that keen on the result, I certainly have to admire the caonima attitude.
Ria – Honest Emotion
The ‘live idol’ scene is the best thing to happen in Korean music since forever and is exactly the sort of thing that needs to exist in order to counterbalance the absolute wall of commercial shite. If you don’t like this music wait a few years, you’re probably just too young, you’ll like it as you grow older and grow a few more brain cells.
Ryu Sujeong – Grabby Girl
When I heard about the name of this song I was expecting some crazy woman running around ripping men’s genitals out and throwing them in the Han river while she watches them cry and bleed to death while insane heavy metal music plays, and now I listened to it and it’s totally not like that at all. Sometimes I think k-pop is a real minefield of lost potential.
Ryu Sujeong – How can I get your love
Well not that you mention it, you can get my love by doing a video with some crazy woman running around ripping men’s genitals out and throwing them in the Han river while she watches them cry and bleed to death while insane heavy metal music plays… oh never mind, you’re obviously not going to. You do you, I guess. Snore.
Soyou – Farewell Everyday
The usual painful bullshit.
Penomeco feat. Zico – Rindaman & PEW!
What’s that at 2:23? Oh, it must be the golden phone. Aren’t you going to pick it up, Zico?
Monkey Head – We’re Back (Into The World)
I’ve seen these guys before and they always have that massive logo on their microphone stand. Doesn’t it get in the way? Maybe it’s good for protecting yourself against audience projectiles. By the way I reckon the guitarist for Rockit Girl is in this group, because there can’t be that many Dean Dimebag Razorback Flying V’s in Korea.
Far East Asian Tigers – Look Back
I think I mention this every time I see this group, but the black and white Fender this guy is using is a lot like one that I nearly purchased off a Japanese secondhand guitar sales site, but I didn’t pull the trigger because while the guitar was $2.50 the shipping was like $1000 and I always get nervous about shit like that. Which is a bummer because a customised HSH Strat would have been cool. That’s probably not very interesting to 99% of readers, I promise I’ll start writing about boobs more soon.
HANRORO – Even if you leave
I dig it, it’s kind of moody and interesting. Yeah it’s a bit Coldplayish or whatever but I don’t know it kind of works by not being too overblown and up its own ass.
015B feat. Dawon – The Winner’s Journal
It’s hard to tell what 015B will do next, or if I’ll like it that much. This time it’s actually pretty good and it’s not some yacht rock so yay I guess.
Jay Marie – 19
Look at her just leaning against the crash barricade like it’s nothing. It’s the same feeling I get when I watch those guys who climb mobile phone towers with GoPros and film themselves dangling their legs over the edge at the top. Like, go for it if it makes you happy but I can’t watch that shit without feeling like my testicles had a date with the St Anger snare drum.
Lonelee feat. Goldbuuda – Love Phobia
It’s not bad but they could have ditched the rap guy, really.
0WAVE – Oh yeah
What is this shit I don’t fuckin’ know so have your weekly lesson in black music. Brazilian thrash metal group Sepultura lost a lot of fans when they lost their singer Max Cavalera and replaced him with unknown black American Derrick Green on vocals, but the fact is that Green’s vocals were always excellent and breathed new life into the band, if anything they just became more versatile with him in it. Sure, more tools in their arsenal meant they had some dud songs here and there as they became more experimental and thus more inconsistent, but the standouts like “Guardians Of Earth” are arguably even better than the classic early Sepultura era. You’ll listen to this and two minutes in you’ll probably be all like “but your guitars are made of wood you hypocrites” but by the end I promise you you’ll be crying and sending 90% of your money to Amazon Frontlines and the rest on all the Derrick Green era Sepultura albums your snobby ass didn’t buy back when they came out. Or maybe not but it still kicks ass. This “alternate audio” version is actually heavier than the normal video version and I highly recommend it.
OoOo – Flower
If you like to watch people wearing white shirts and black skirts look miserable, boy have I got a video for you.
Yaeji – Passed Me By
People have always asked me if I liked Yaeji but I’ve always found her music kind of bad. The beat here is actually okay like it belongs in a Beastie Boys track but she just sort of meanders over the top of it with no enthusiasm and before I know it, I don’t give a shit either.
JinE – I’m Ruined, I’m Into You
We see the Paradise Diner pretty much every week, but we don’t usually see a ballad there. Let alone one that’s actually not too bad.
Lil Moshpit X Fleeky Bang feat. pH-1 – How We Came
I doubt that anyone came besides themselves.
Johny Kwony feat. Polodared, M!KYLE & Koreangroove – Push It!
Andrew Tate has wrecked sports cars for an entire generation. You don’t look cool, you look like rapists. Go away.
Dbo – I’d Rather Be Myself
I’m a big believer in being yourself, but maybe when your real self is anything like Dbo, wanting to be someone else instead is a viable option.
Kid Milli – Bora
Right, that’s enough. Let’s stop it here before it gets any worse.
HAHAHAHA did you actually waste your time following Boys Planet? HAHAHAHA sucks to be you section
BOYS PLANET – Jelly Pop
K-pop fans are all like “that Kpopalypse he’s so problematic because he says naughty words and talks about a grown woman’s titty occasionally but gosh I’ll just support a company that openly endorses and promotes pedophilia just so I can see my cute oppar smile and subject myself to a strictly average song”. Like, even if I am as bad as some weird juvenile people say, who’s the bigger problem here. And people wonder why I don’t take the criticism of my site very seriously.
BOYS PLANET – Hot Summer
The songs only get worse from here, but fortunately I wasn’t plugged into this particular pedophile-enabling media machine so I didn’t have any expectations and thus wasn’t disappointed.
BOYS PLANET – Not Alone
Oh and here’s the ballad where they try and be a bit heartfelt but also throw some vague sort of rap energy in there just to prove to you that they’re nice boys who will spoon you in bed but still will sort out your obsessive ex when he keeps texting you six months after the breakup asking where you were last night.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Try Not To Have Gay Sex With Yves 5: The Agency Strikes Back – teaser 1 of 5908623434652659+e19
Yes it’s coming back! Be ready to get your gay on for Pride Month.
Return of the k-pop nightmare
Just in case you’ve never played any of the TNTHGSWY games before (and they’re all available for free over at itch.io), you can see what you’ve been missing out on as you watch these very normal, nice, sensible, non-k-pop-liking people play the third game in the series and cringe at the horrible humour. I feel like I owe them about two hours of director’s commentary just to explain to them all the stupid lore, give context to the dumb jokes and help them understand why I write my bullshit games in the way that I do, but then arguably it’s funnier if they don’t know. Anyway I absolutely laughed my ass off watching this, highly recommended (also they’re as bad about going off on unrelated tangents as I am).
G.NA – Black & White
Coming off very much like a more plodding version of miss A’s “Bad Girl Good Girl“, G.NA’s version actually sounds pretty good as long as you forget that miss A also existed. What a shame that her career was cut short due to a scandal that wasn’t even really her fault, meanwhile Seungri is out there clubbing like it’s nothing.