It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
The latest part of the war on attractive people is that you’re not allowed to wear balllet outfits now because people might be sad that you look better than them. Soon k-pop fans will clamp down on everything to the point where the only thing women can wear is a cardboard box.
aespa ft. G-Dragon – WDA (Whole Different Animal)
A great song concept desperately in need of a beat, the entire thing refuses to get started and is just light and fluffy taps from start to finish. A massive letdown that wastes the track’s otherwise appealingly ominous mood.
NMIXX – Heavy Serenade
Actually really solidly good. Quite cohesive by anyone’s standards, not just NMIXX’s.
Billlie – Zap
Definitely not as much zap in this as there was in “Work” from last week, what a pity. Oh well, one banger a year is still more than most groups manage.
Lee Chaeyeon – Know About Me
Lee Chaeyeon also hasn’t matched the quality of her song from last week, but this still isn’t bad.
Tiffany Young – Summer’s Not Over
Tiffan’y new dreary ballad is not my best friend.
Lee Hi – Up
The good thing about Lee Hi being married now or whatever is she’s leaving the house more. Not sure if that’s because her man is a nice dude, or because he’s a dick and she just wants to get away from him and chill out on the beach on her own for a while, but either way we get to see her more so that’s nice.
Jenevieve feat. Jihyo – Hvnly
Lame soft R&B slop that doesn’t belong anywhere near your favourite k-pops.
Hanhae, Moon Se Yoon feat. Chuu – Airplane
I’m not sure what this even is but Chuu can’t rescue it.
Taeyong – 404 Euphoria
Definitely an appropriate video for the song, as this one’s as boring as watching your clothes spin around at the laundromat.
CORTIS – Acai
Ahahahaha wow this sucks. There were actually quite a few decent songs in this style this week, and this isn’t one of them. Jane Remover was right.
KIIRAS – Ta Ta
It’s not the worst Kirras song ever, but then Kirras have been pretty shit so far so being worse than their other songs would be actually quite challenging. The person who predicted that I’d like this song better than other Kirras songs made a pretty safe bet, as I think I like 99% of all music better than other Kirras songs.
Keyveatz – Catch My Breath
A completely unwatchable video that will tear the skin straight from your retinas as surely as any T-ara creation, you could be forgiven for not noticing that the song is actually one of k-pop’s better rap-focused creations as you puke into a bucket on the floor and try to stop the room from spinning.
BOYNEXTDOOR – Ddok Ddok Ddok
It’s just Rain’s “Gang” again. He truly did pave the way for all these boy groups.
RAIN – Feel It
And right on cue, he’s back! Pity this song licks an R&B ballsack but oh well, I guess he’s earned a break.
NAZE – People Talk
It’s not all that exciting but I didn’t hate it. I can’t decide if the lyrics are a good thing (“ignore what people say about you, you do you”) or a bad thing (“hey fans, here’s your license to be ignorant of any valid criticism of your shitty behaviour”) but either way it’s always good to hear a song that addresses an elephant in the room.
NEXZ – Hypeman
A song called “Hypeman” that doesn’t have a hypeman and actually could have used one. Seriously k-pop groups should embrace having a hypeman as part of the group, but judging from the sound of this I’m pretty sure they don’t even know what one is.
Jay Park & LNGSHOT – 4SHO 4SHO
Where’s that bottle of soju for my girlfriend, Jay? I only messaged you on Onlyfans two years ago, hurry up and “keep it real” for me.
YUHZ – Rush Rush
I wonder if “Yuhz” is pronounced the same as the Australian “youse“? Can anyone confirm? If so, can youse Yuhz guys get a better song?
Forestella – Armageddon
The song isn’t too bad actually but the irony of them singing about how they’re “watching armageddon” while surrounded by total AI slop backgrounds isn’t lost on me.
NoeurA – A-List
Reckon they’ll hit that A-list, probably not, but I didn’t mind the backing track here which refreshingly just had a groove and stuck to it and didn’t try to do 12 things at once.
KEYVITUP – Polaroid
They’re only two songs into their careers and they’re already making for-the-fans “nostalgia” montage videos. Maybe what Frank Zappa said is true: “It isn’t necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice — there are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia. When you compute the length of time between ‘The Event’ and ‘Nostalgia For The Event,’ the span seems to be about ‘a year less in each cycle.’ Eventually, within the next quarter of a century the nostalgia cycles will be so close together that people will not be able to take a step without being nostalgic for the one they just took. At that point, everything stops. Death by Nostalgia.”
Heart Of Woman – H.O.W’s Mixtape
Wait, a female R&B/hip-hop hybrid song that actually… has really legitimately good beat-writing and non-cringe lyrics? Everyone’s freaking out about the Italian-language section but honestly the song had me sold way before then. I’m not hopeful that they can keep up this quality because R&B writers tend to have shit music taste so this one might just be luck, but I hope I’m proven wrong.
T.EV – 5AM
Most R&B in k-pop sounds like this instead, and that’s a problem.
Hi-Fi Un!corn – Stop It
Okay this is probably the best Hi-Fi Unicorn song so far. Unless they released another one that is this good and I can’t remember, because they’ve released a song each week for the last year it seems and who the fuck can remember how any of it goes. They must be running out of video-making money by now, damn.
SANTOS BRAVOS – Wow
Wow, did you know HYBE’s fail “latin group” are still a thing?
StelLive – Star Trail
I dumped all the other anime poop out of roundup this week because it all sucked, but this one has a ripping pace and some decent instrumental work so it can stay.
Ilhoon – Devil Can Wait
Not a bad song, and the video certainly meets required ab-flashing standards.
Han – Back to Life
Han on the other hand is actually pretty boring, with this song that tries to combine shoegaze style guitar textures with the usual k-pop rock-lite thing, the results are unexciting.
Gavy NJ – He Broke Up
Shit song but GavyNJ are worth paying attention to just because of the line-up drama that follows this group, with DSP constantly swapping the girls out for new younger girls (basically the same concept that After School had). The comments here are going ballistic that the Burmese girl Riel isn’t getting any shine here but don’t worry Myanmar citizens, the way this agency rolls, she’ll probably only be in the group for a few more weeks and then you can have her back.
BIG Naughty – Still Freestylin’
I’m pretty sure that not a single Korean rapper has ever freestyled in their life, given how little rappers from anywhere else in the world do it, and how Koreans are addicted to the “here’s one we prepared earlier” approach to music. Nevertheless this is probably the best thing Big Naughty has ever done simply because there’s no weak-ass R&B element and I know I’m shitting on R&B a lot this week but only because Heart Of Woman actually got it right so my standards have now lifted for everyone else who keeps fucking up.
BewhY – Southside Freestyle
Bewhy is just killing it here though. He actually makes the robot voice work, a near-impossible feat in rap music, and this is his best song ever since he made Kanye West redundant. I might even listen to it again after I’ve finished writing this accursed roundup. It’s probably not a fucking freestyle though, hahaha.
MilliMax feat. ZENE THE ZILLA, Nosun – Yessir
Most of the other rap this week was poop like this so I removed it all you’re welcome.
Doorlesshouse – Attacker
Hey a really good rock song. You could listen to it if you wanted.
Rockit Girl – Pinky Pop (acoustic version)
We all love a good Rockit Girl acoustic version, pity that this one is probably their worst song ever, just watch it with the sound down I guess.
Lovebites – Reaper’s Lullaby
I just want you to know that the new Lovebites song is one of their best. You know they mean business when their new bass player Fami isn’t grinning like a shithead, she’s the Chuu of Japanese metal I swear. Really though, where are the Korean metal acts that can go this hard? Come on Koreans, you can’t let the Japanese get away with this! What are you doing with yourselves? Get to work!
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
HYOKEY – What Happens When Your K-Pop company Finds Your Channel
Answer: they say “how come WE couldn’t go that viral?” and ask to do a collab video. They then invite you to their office to have a little chat behind closed doors and then Hyokey says “I can’t tell you what we talked about but gosh k-pop companies are alright really, gosh it’s tough being a k-pop company” hahaha. But honestly that’s still a better approach than what most agencies would do. Can you imagine how Jessica would be treated if she dropped into the SM Entertainment foyer with a camera?
I may be – Why BTS’S success didn’t spread to the rest of kpop
Some woman yaps on about how BTS are great and so different and unique and blah blah. Of course the real answer to the question posed by the video title is quite different: BTS got big, western people who weren’t k-pop fans heard their latter-day soft as shite songs and went “yuck – we want no part of this, let’s just give all k-pop a miss from now on” and so other groups didn’t get much interest outside of the k-pop bubble. Then BTS fans made it even worse by cyberbullying anyone and everyone who didn’t adore what was honestly the low point of BTS’s career musically, disgusting sensible music fans everywhere. But then this video is from someone with another video called “Is Jennie lazy or is she selfish” and I’m not even making that up, so it’s pretty clear that they’re not going to have any balanced takes and have an agenda to push. You think anyone who actually cared about BTS would be nicer to Taehyung’s girlfriend, geez…
Chae Yeon – Two Of Us
Proof that k-pop has only gotten more conservative and boring over time, can you imagine a k-pop video like this releasing today? Even Kiss Of Life aren’t coming this close. The song isn’t too bad actually but honestly who is even listening…
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
