It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Gosh I hope G-Dragon doesn’t wear that shirt where his neighbours can see it.
ILLIT – It’s Me
Probably the best version of “let’s copy the trend started by Blackpink’s ‘Jump’ because it’s popular” that I’ve heard so far, this works because it gets the sounds and vibe just about perfect. Guess those Blackpink girls really did pave the way. The next plagiarism post is just going to be another 20 Illit entries I think, I’d better start making a list…
BABYMONSTER – Choom
“We’re seven but we ate” – credit due, that was a good one (at least until they start losing members), pity every single other line in the song is the most dogshit lyrics imaginable. Which would be fine if the song was any good musically but it’s just a messy NMIXX clone that can’t work out what it wants to do. And whoever is naming their songs is surely just taking the piss out of these poor girls and their dreams. Come on YG, get your shit together.
CORTIS – TNT
Yeah okay, this is just crap.
NMIXX – Crescendo
A slow, thudding millennial-style chorus lets down a song that’s otherwise pretty cool.
Lee Chaeyeon – No Tears On The Dancefloor
Lee Chaeyeon has been pretty consistently good and this is another consistently good song of hers. One of the better solo idol artists out there right now.
Yuju – First Love is a Curse
Pretty bland stuff, the very busy guitar doesn’t really help and the rest of it is just dull. Adequate replacement for Viviz inactivity this is not.
Soyou – Girl
Different and nice, this is probably the best thing Soyou’s been involved with ever since Sistar imploded.
Billlie – Work
Billlie finally dump the snoozefests and get back to the harsh, upbeat sounds that made their early songs like “Ring X Ring” and “GingaMingaYo” good. Let’s hope they keep it up. 2026 is getting better, folks.
Keyveatz – Key Beats
They unironically sing “see me going hard over this trap beat” in the softest part of the song, meanwhile the actual “hard” parts sound like a toddler ran amok in the studio bashing piano keys for fun, I guess it’s “hard” only in the sense that child-minding in the studio is apparently hard.
H//PE Princess – Stolen
Hslashslashpe Princess are back with a song that has an ear-poppingly bizarre track that’s almost good enough to make up for the lame vocal writing. Likewise the video would be good too if they ripped all the trash AI junk effects out of it. Stolen, indeed.
Moonbyul – Gise
The “After School Bang” coats don’t look good on anyone (not even After School themselves could pull that mess off visually) but Moonbyul makes it work as best she can, serving up much bading vibes as usual in a song that I’m not sure if I like, but it seems to suit her anyway.
CRAVITY – Awake
I was about to make some joke about it sending me to sleep instead but then it actually turned out to be pretty good. Damn these groups giving me decent music and fucking up my stupid puns.
82MAJOR – Sign
If I liked lame-ass R&B slop I’d probably think this was great, but I don’t, so it’s just kind of mid to me. Consider that a recommendation if you’re one of the people who complains that I’m racist just because I don’t listen to dogshit like Beyonce or whatever. No, seriously. I’m all about people finding the music that they love, happy to be of service. Just leave me out of it if it sounds like this.
LUCY – All Ages
Again this is a bit light and fluffy for my taste but it’s actually well written and I can dig it. Probably the song that delivers on the promise of their lineup the best, it sounds better the more you hear it.
B1A4 – CPR
It’s okay I guess but I’m bored over here.
KEYVITUP – Legendary
So bored.
MYNAME – Cool
What animal died to create that blue puffer jacket. Let’s pray for all the polyesters.
1MILLION – Lag Queen
As you would probably expect by a song released from a dance studio, the dancing looks good and the song is pretty much just a beat.
OFF-BLUE – Different Tide
Schedules are tough for the kids these days – these girls weren’t even given time to change out of their school’s shit uniform before shooting their video.
GENUS – Sugar Rush
These guys with their children’s TV poop song have the same video set as Keyvitup. I like it how they just let any old boy group do a dance on a helipad with no safety rails to stop anyone from falling off the edge. I wonder how many k-pop trainees have met their demise on windy days.
SF9 – Fade Into Memories
Fading into memories is exactly what SF9 are doing with songs like this.
THE 8 – Love is Gone
A pretty good song with very second-gen boy group vibes. This is better than half the songs on that BigBang album I reviewed a while back.
Park Jihoon – Bodyelse
There are a lot of songs this week that are just average, or maybe even slightly better than average, but just don’t have something really special to make them stand out. Here’s one of them. I can listen to it. It’s okay. But I won’t.
Hui – Dear Tomorrow
I feel like they’re rubbing it in my face that we have hardly any Christian Horse Girl music right now.
Kino feat. Mikey Angelo – Big Hoodie
I’m so bored of guys from boy groups going solo. We don’t want your music that badly, sorry. Aren’t there any restaurants hiring? Oh… they want girls too. Sucks to be you, I guess.
Ji Suyeon – Bluescreen
Mind you the girls going solo aren’t doing all that much better. And this is about the best one. You should hear ones I left out. Or better yet, don’t.
YongYong – Rockstar
It’s okay I guess, but really – Autotune and rock music is not a good mix. Dump that shit and the song would be a lot better.
Balming Tiger – Home
It’s different, I guess. Sounds like one of those slow instrumental jams on a Beastie Boys record… but a more boring version.
Memi – BADidea
Actually quite good and really making me not want to listen to any more k-pop at all this week.
Luci Gang x Rohann – Get Jiggy!
It’s not too bad but then they turn the robot voice on and everything goes to complete shit. Rappers, why? Just stop that. Nobody likes it.
Ahfoné – Front Door
The robot voice almost works here though, I guess because it’s a more chaotic sound so it doesn’t stick out like a dog’s scrotum when he’s humping your NCT body pillow.
Jae Grenade – MIA
Not quite sure what they were smoking in the studio when they made this.
HYOKEY – Soulott
That girl from Ariaz who has all the really good viral videos about her k-pop experience just released a new song and… yeah, it’s a skip, totally boring.
End It – January 08, 2023
Just putting this great live set from End It here so k-pop fans can find out what good music is and why your bias bores the fuck out of me most of the time.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Neuros – K-Pop Idols Can Never Be REAL Musicians.
Nothing here that caonimas don’t know, but putting it here anyway because it’s a decent video and it’s always good to see more people talking about this stuff, because there’s always people finding this stuff out for the first time. A few mistakes – street casting is implied to be very important here but only a slim minority of people who get into groups are cast this way. Also most idols work seven days a week, it’s only six for the biggest companies. Good apart from this!
Hyeautiful – CORTIS and whiteness in k-pop
This person is a bit upset because black people aren’t getting their shine and I agree with a lot of his sentiments about k-pop (fans are in a bubble, superficial values, music is an afterthought), but criticising k-pop for ripping off black music, to me that’s the correct argument but coming from the wrong angle. People ripping you off is a compliment, it means you’re doing something relevant, so take it for what it is. The real issue is that they’re so clueless that they’re only ripping off the absolute most shit tier of black music 99% of the time. I’d actually like to see k-pop ripping off more black music, but the good stuff, but it seems like less and less people remember what the good stuff even is. That’s why I did an entire-ass year of black music features to try and educate people that there’s a lot more to black music than some dude mumbling into a pitch-shifter, or saying random shit and then the engineer stitches it together into an actual song later. Anyway the BTS criticism here is funny and worth the price of admission alone.
Led Apple – Run To You
Pretty cheesy faux-rock from back in the day but it’s aged well, not because of any rock connection, but more because of the pop sensibilities. The retro sound doesn’t quite work and this would have actually probably worked better with synths but just the fact that the hook is in the chorus vocal melody is something that’s sorely missed in boy groups these days.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
