It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Lots of stuff coming out about NewJeans lately, partly from them fucking up, and partly just good old TAG PR agency working overtime. Apparently Danielle told a judge to get fucked or something in court (or interrupted him, same thing) which puts her on the same esteemed level as the great Han Seo Hee. She’s definitely going to become a Kpopalypse bias if she keeps this up.
J-Hope – Mona Lisa
I bet nobody will complain about J-hope singing “I like my girls pretty in the face”, “I like my girls lookin’ pretty just like a painting” etc meanwhile I’ll continue to get constant shit from strangers for “focusing on looks” and “sexualisation”. Did you know that the face is the part of the body that men sexualise the most? If it’s okay for BTS boy to get absolutely no heat whatsoever for being a creepy weirdo then it’s okay for me too.
STAYC – Bebe
Wow, I like my girls pretty in the face and StayC deliver. They are pretty just like a painting. Oh sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, my name’s J-hope sorry I mean Kpopalypse. Okay I’ll stop that now. Actually this song is good. I’m really not sure about some of those vocal writing choices (that first part of the chorus vocals is certainly “interesting”) but the keyboard driven track is such a banger that it really ends up not mattering much at all.
KiiiKiii – BTG
So is THIS one their debut? Does anyone even know? Or care? Anyway the raps here are total fucking dogshit (let’s hope XG get big and inspire these other groups to compete with better raps, lord knows we need it) but once the girls stop rapping the song becomes acceptable.
Ailee – MMI
Ailee tries to NewJeanisfy herself and it has all the energy of your aunt joining your school social club. Yeah I know that’s a very ageist comment but people on Lissa’s TikTok has taught me that bigotry is always completely cool and groovy and totally okay and fine so as long as the songs remain this shit I’m going to roll with it.
Ailee – Illusion
Ailee is a bit more convincing here trying to sell herself as… well, whatever this is, but sadly the music sounds like wet gassy farts.
Ailee – Meaning
The last song of Ailee’s this week is the best one, and it’s just a dreary ballad like all her other ones (the song title and video thumbnail tell you everything you need to know about what it sounds like) but she does at least know how to do this type of thing correctly, having already done it about 2358 times over the last 12 years.
Candy Shop – Tip Toe
The sound of early Gfriend at half speed is half as interesting.
TEN – Bambola
This sounds like nothing else I’ve ever heard, but unfortunately it doesn’t sound any good either. An ambitious attempt at some sort of dance track that just doesn’t have enough catchy about it to work. It’s cool to be different but it’s not enough just on its own. I’ve already forgotten what this sounds like.
Mark feat. Haechan – +82 Pressin’
Still, I’ll take Ten over Mark this week. “Different but failed” is always better than just the same old mediocre same old. So this song having nothing notable about it is a good excuse for me to mention that the latest Kpopalypse survey is now live! CLICK HERE and do it, caonimas!
Ten – Stunner
Ten’s other song isn’t too bad, it actually resembles a song, but without being too boring. I mean I wouldn’t play it at my wedding but I can get all the way through it without puking into a bucket so that’s a good start.
Xdinary Heroes – Beautiful Life
There’s actually some pretty good independent rock music in roundup this week so you don’t really need to listed to JYP Christain Ministries’ version to get your guitar rock fix.
HoshixWoozi (SEVENTEEN) – 96ers
Hoshi and Woozi out there hoping that they’ll get a TV series offer in a decade if they knuckle down and copy GD&TOP enough.
Han & Felix – Truman
Another duo rap thing but thank fuck it doesn’t sound like GD&TOP this time, you have no idea how grateful I am. I’m actually digging the 8-bit sound of the track, well done doing something just a little bit different and not horrible.
NEWBEAT – Flip The Coin
A pretty catchy chorus here actually but everything else around it is just a bit aimless.
Baby V.O.X – Last Wish (2025 ver.)
This remake of some old-ass song actually isn’t too bad, even of Baby VOX look absolutely utterly miserable while singing it. I mean okay I get it that it’s not an upbeat song, but there’s no need to look like you literally want to kill whoever is making you sit in those chairs. These girls look like they wish they were anywhere else.
Baby V.O.X – Missing You (2025 ver.)
They look a bit happier when they’re remaking their own turgid song, I guess it’s now our turn to feel miserable.
Fantasy Boys – Undeniable
Actually not a bad song, the Laurie Anderson style intro is a bit weird and drags a bit but I suspect that’s just for the video (fuck knows why), the sound integrates into the song itself well enough. Probably one of the only times acapella style vocal has actually worked in k-pop.
TEMPEST – Destiny
My destiny is to not listen to Tempest.
HORI7ON – Cold
Everyone wants to be a k-pop but there should be a song quality barrier for entry, I don’t think Hori-seven-on have reached it yet.
8TURN – I Want You Now
Oh no, now k-pop comapnies are doing the “3D 360 sound mix” bullshit. If you want audio that pans around stupidly and makes you nauseous, here you go.
SM Jazz Trio – Prometheus
Possibly the worst thing to ever exist. If anyone needs any proof of how out of touch SM Entertainment is, here it is. Most hilarious of all is the one woman in the venue (there’s only one, because everyone else left in disgust) smiling and calmly nodding like she’s tuning the jazz nonsense out and listening to a completely different song inside her own head.
Go Straight N’ Turn Right – Go Straight N’ Turn Right
Not that bad of a rock song, just try to ignore the completel eyesore animated video which definitely was the wrong choice.
Jeong Eunji x Seo Inguk – Couple
This song isn’t strictly even eligible for roundup because the original was an OST for a TV series, but I’m putting it here anyway because it’s always good to see the Steven Tyler of k-pop doing her thing.
Min Jiwoon feat. Crush – If You Were The Rain
SM must despise Min Jiwoon because they’ve dropped the ball on her so hard marketing-wise. Where’s her shit AI avatar and stupid neo-culture-whatever concept, I ask you.
Ilhoon – Jamesdean
This poop was a waste of my time so let’s instead have our weekly non-Korean LGBT feature here, yay! This week it’s Diamanda Galas, and she actually isn’t LGBT at all as far as I know, but I think that she would like to be, and she’s also a huge and I mean very very huge advocate for LGBT causes, so therefore she deserves to be in this feature. To quote her: “I think God is a callous bitch not making me a lesbian. I’m deeply disappointed by my sexual interest in men.” I don’t know how many sexualities there are but there should definitely be a special name within them for whatever malevolent force Diamanda Galas is projecting into the world. Her aesthetic reframing of female sexuality as an intense, powerful, predatory force that instills fear flies in the face of female representation across the entire pop music canon (including in “alternative” scenes), and on top of that she is arguably the greatest singer alive today just in terms of pure technique. I’ve seen her sing live and I have never seen anyone sing like that with such total physical engagement of their entire being, and it’s safe to say that I won’t ever see anyone sing like that again unless I see her again. The video I’ve linked, like everything I’ve ever seen of her on video, only partially captures it. If you’re still not sure about her, remember that conservative Australian media fuckknuckle/waste of space Andrew Bolt hates her, so you know she’s doing something right.
Jun.K – Automatic
Back to k-pop and it’s just depressing isn’t it. Imagine having to go straight after Diamanda Galas’ brilliance in Kpopalypse roundup. That’s like any rapper who has to go on after R.A. The Rugged Man at a live show. It’s no place to be. Sorry for doing you like that Jun.k. but someone’s gotta take the bullet and it might as well be you because your songs are all ballsmeat.
Rocky – Ba Ba Bye
Just do it, Rocky. We won’t miss your music output, at least.
Effie – Open ur eyes
Sorry but “no political stance intended” is a political stance in itself, because saying that politics is okay to ignore is inherently political. It’s like when you go to prison, there’s no option to not join a prison gang, you just get grouped up with all the other people who didn’t want to join a prison gang and then that becomes your prison gang. Also someone show this girl how to do a png transparency properly.
Nozomi Kitay & GAL D feat. Sik-K – Moshi Moshi
It wasn’t too bad until Autotune boy turned up.
Wooki – Paralyzed
The dreaded AI scene transitions aren’t enough to take the edge off what is actually a decent song.
Cocona feat. Khundi Panda – Risky
Just a heads up that there are actually two Coconas in k-pop and the other one sucks so far.
Granada – City Hunter
Oh fuck, I hate shit like this. Good time to close off roundup.
ACTUAL HALF DECENT ROCK MUSIC SECTION
Ghost Bookstore – Ghost Bookstore
But wiat, this song’s rather good actually. Also, all the instrumentalists showed up! Nice change from last week.
Som Hevin – Not quite despair
I thought this was okay too. The k-rock groups nobody gives a crap about are doing pretty good this week.
Dragon Pony – Not Out
This one has some millenial whoop vibes but it’s still a solid song at the end of the day, I can dig it. It also has one hell of a break I didn’t see coming.
FUTURE IDOL SECTION
Ruby – Wanna Say
Future Idol are back, the agency that are so nugu they took up an entire Kpopalypse Nugu Alert just on their own. They’ve been a bit quiet lately and I’d love to say that it’s good to have them back but unfortunately the songs they get their wannabe idols to sing are still rubbish.
Nine Kids – Seuljjeok
I’m so sorry that you have to put up with this, but then, you do deserve it. If you don’t spend money and appreciate it when adults do adult things, and support your adult k-pop content, guess what, all the adults listen to your feedback and then they leave. This is what you’re left with.
Bellany – Gonna Love You
Don’t complain. They’re only making this stuff because the data you’re leaving behind shows that you want it so badly.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
the absolute worst (but most iconic) lyrics in k-pop
All that stuff in my books about idols getting it on and other weird shit going down in the company building… now you’ve got some evidence that stuff like that does indeed go on. HYBE of all people (stingy cunts that they are) wouldn’t put up signs like this if they didn’t think they were needed…
Lovelyz – Good Night Like Yesterday
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXGVpjqIopE
Lovelyz’ first song really wasn’t very good at all, there’s certainly no indication here of the much higher quality that was to come later, and you could be forgiven for forgetting “Good Night Like Yesterday” even existed. It’s a worthy reminder that shit-ass debut songs written off with the “pre-debut” excuse isn’t a new thing in k-pop, labels have been treating you like a dumb bitch for at least the last decade, probably a lot longer.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week! In the meantime, don’t forget to do the latest Kpopalypse survey, which you can access by clicking HERE! Stay safe, caonimas!
