It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!
TRI.BE – Kiss
Screechy yelping shoutiness? Random nursery rhyme melodies that don’t match the harmony they’re sung over? Chorus that’s basically just one stupid riff? Dumbass “we’re so cool” vibe that’s as fraudulent as a k-pop scam concert? It’s a song that’s as 2022 as Putin hanging onto the edge of his meeting table for dear life.
Xdinary Heroes – Strawberry Cake
Definitely their best song so far, because at least it’s a little different especially with that weird bass thing in the chorus, but I still feel like I’m trapped in a train carriage with them being gradually bored to death, which funnily enough is exactly what the video depicts.
OH MY GIRL BANHANA – Love Is
A remake of some ballad, that, believe it or not, actually sounds better in its original form as a slow song with guys singing it. I know, right?
ENHYPEN – Foreshadow
Some terminal wank that nobody could even be bothered being in the video for, it barely even qualifies for this roundup but it’s going in anyway just so people don’t ask me about it.
ITZY – Domino
It’s “for the fans” time again. Anyone who doesn’t worship at the altar of these girls is best advised to skip this and wait until they have a proper song again.
CRAVITY – Boogie Woogie
I guess they’re trying to sound like The Jackson 5 or something, and it really never works when k-pop fans go for that sound, because the thing that made that group work as that their sound was still pretty rooted in 70s funk and actually sounded kind of grimy. K-pop is very allergic to ‘grime’ in the mix so you just end up with some really flat-sounding bullshit that sucks.
Yoohyeon – For
Doo-wop ballad style isn’t very common in the k-pop world, so I’m digging the fact that they’ve gone for something different, but it’s just a little too tame.
NiziU – Short Trip
Are NiziU actually any good at anything yet? I realise every alt-right incel weeb has the girls as their screensaver but I’m still waiting for a reason to care about them.
Huh Yunjin of Le Sserafim – Raise y_our glass
Songwriters are generally best when they’re writing about what they know. Yunjin writes a song about how shitty it is being a k-pop star having to deal with fan bullshit and the result actually works, if nothing else it certainly sounds sincere enough.
Kino – Pose
Everyone wants to be Taemin and Kino does a reasonable job of it, but there’s no getting past the fact that the best parts of this track are all the areas where he’s not singing.
BM – Strangers
They made a BM avatar and had him sitting down in a car fully clothed for the entire video, wrong choice obviously. Perhaps simulating his abs would have taken up too many polygons and lagged the simulation.
WEi – Maldives
As generic as they come. The most interesting thing here is those surfboard holders on the bicycles. Too bad if you have to make a quick turn I guess.
FTISLAND – Door
Here we go, millennial-whooping away. You can practically feel those plants gradually dying.
INI – Password
Outstandingly bizarre lyrics certainly make this more entertaining than it would otherwise be. “Can I be someone else, come inside me” is the male version of “you’re the best ever come in my life” and deserves to be iconic, but it probably won’t be because nobody will remember this song in a week.
NIK – La Vida Loca
Everyone please stop calling things “la vida loca” or variations thereof. This song is actually decent thanks to some driving acoustic guitar and drums but nobody is going to even give it a chance just because of the name, and who can blame them.
Q6IX – IMAIZING
Right from the first camera shot with that ridiculous zooming, you know this is going to be a catastrophic embarrassment. Can agencies stop pissing the dreams of these poor girls up the wall. If you don’t have the money to float an idol group and do it properly, just don’t do it at all, the world won’t be any poorer for it.
Bubble – Baby Dream
Even the obligatory terrible Future Idol song this week is better than Q6IX.
Narin – Sweety
A crap acapella version of an old k-pop song that wasn’t any good anyway. There’s no point even doing acapella style if you’re going to process the vocals so damn much.
Bada – Localized Heavy Rain
I’m told this girl was in S.E.S and it shows.
Choi Yoojung & Ahn Byeongwoong – UH-RA?
Not too intolerable at first but things really start going downhill when the rapper shows up. Don’t torture yourself with this.
Ahn Byeongwoong – Dough
He’s not much better on his own.
Chen – You Never Know
You never know when your second-gen k-pop fave is going to drop some boring ballad on you that nobody gives a fuck about.
iiso – Signs
Okay, if “drum and bass” or “garage” or whatever you fucking nerds call this bullshit style actually becomes a k-pop trend, that will be annoying. Once in a blue moon is okay, once per week is not.
The Deep – Muah!
No, really. It’s not okay. Just stop this sound now, thanks.
Hi Ryang – That Guy Is Cool
Try not to turn it off in the very first seconds because once the song proper starts it’s not bad. Not sure about that weird green silhouette idea though, who the fuck thought of that. And they say there’s not much in the way of drugs in Korea, I definitely don’t believe that.
KiTak – Summer
Gets above the line due to some cool guitar playing that actually serves the song pretty well.
COOING – Sun Dance
Watching Koreans in videos look endlessly excited and fascinated by shit that definitely wouldn’t impress anyone over the age of about 10 is a real experience.
NELL – Still Sunset
Mobile phone format strikes again, although I’m not sure if anyone wanted to see this in fullscreen 1080p anyway.
JUNNY – Not About Me
This is good. Like, really good. For once I don’t have anything smartass to say, so give it a try.
SEOULDABANSA feat. Jaehee of Mind U – Lovers
And here’s someone else trying to do the same thing and fucking up. Compare it to the song above, what do you notice.
IMLAY feat. Alex Karlsson – Heart’s On Fire
SM fuck around with synths and bore us to death because they can.
Park Soeun – Slipper
Er, the band? Where the fuck is the band? Fuck this.
Aria.J – Reset
“Clean version”, yeah fuck off with that, I want the one with swearing in it thanks.
Poppin Hyun Joon feat. YDG – Let’s Poppin
I watched the whole thing and yeah the moves were pretty good but there was no crab dance anywhere. I feel ripped off.
Tiger JK – POV
Maybe the real reason why Bibi was crying the other week is because she heard this song and realised that her CEO has fallen into the depths of trap hell.
msftz – Takeoff
I’m digging this a lot, it’s really cool and rocking. How come she doesn’t bash the back of her head with the tap at 1:19 though.
Liechew – Chew It
Very cool, good work – just needed to be longer. Female rappers in Korea completely dominate over most of the men.
The FunCity feat. Motte – I’m With You
Hey the harmonising is pretty rad here. I don’t like the song all that much but these two work together good for some reason.
Div – Love Me Do
Fuck your shitty k-pop, listen to this chick shred Pantera solos. And I don’t even fucking like Pantera, but she makes me like it. Her whole channel is this stuff and it’s great.
TEAM NY feat. PUFF DAEHEE – TEAM NY in The House
Come on kids, recess is over, that’s enough playing with your dad’s record collection surely you’ve got homework to do.
O.O.O – GO!DO!RIGHT!
That’s how I’d stare as well if someone handed me a jazz drum kit. Fuck jazz.
Gemini feat. BIG Naughty – 1, 2, 3
This other chick is great too – what she loses from not having the same charisma or touch with pinch harmonics and squeals, she makes up for with better left hand technique, some of the best I’ve ever seen.
CIKA feat. heroincity, POLO, Hollow Young – BANDO BOYS
If you’re wondering why I’m having trouble staying focused on k-pop this week, here you go, I feel like this song explains everything. Don’t judge me.
HOONi feat. YONGi, Lee Yucheol – Drink Up
These are serious fucking dudes, look at that correct microphone technique, gold star there. Also going off on the sax there. I also dig it how the bass player still has the sticker on his instrument from when he bought it at the shop.
CHEEZE feat. 10CM – Room For You
This one’s kind of in the middle (skip to 3:15 for the solo). Some of the squeals are in there but she doesn’t nail it quite like the first girl does, and she’s got some great fretting too but not quite as good as the second girl. However she does completely nail Dimebag’s transistorised guitar tone. They’re all great though, I never heavily invested in learning specifically this type of guitar playing so they’re all way above my level. Oh wait, we were talking about k-pop or something… yeah guess I’d better put this in…
ARTISTS THAT SHOULD HAVE GOT IN MY BIAS LIST FOR 2022 BUT DIDN’T BECAUSE I WROTE THAT POST ON THREE HOURS SLEEP SECTION
Rockit Girl – The sea of my heart
I love it how every second Rockit Girl track has the word “sea” in the title, so they’ve got a ready-made excuse to get Leeseul into a bikini and back down to the beach again.
Yoyomi – Come Here
Yoyomi saves roundup and life once again. K-pop has prettier girls than Yoyomi, but I’m not sure if they have any prettier girls who also understand the transformative power of makeup, clothes, hair and lighting more than Yoyomi does. I should reach out to her to help me write my fashion class series.
BONUS RANDOM VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Kim Lip leaves the stage early at Loona’s concert in Chicago, 11th August 2022
First it’s having to do the fucking “Yum Yum Dance“, now it’s this shit. Why won’t the crowd listen to what I have to say? Why do you like Vivi more? It’s not my fault she gets no fucking lines and you gotta overcompensate man, just let me finish my FUCKING sentence. I haven’t eaten a decent meal all day. Do I really not matter this much, why do you have to yell over me like a bunch of fuckheads? Every day it’s the same shit. I just spent six hours on a plane and the bitches in this group wouldn’t even let me sleep on the flight, Olivia kept asking me shit and everyone else kept screaming, like fuck off I’m trying to get some rest okay? At least we left Chuu at home. That’s it – I’m not doing the show anymore. I can’t wait for this talk break to be over, I just wanna go cry somewhere alone. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow, but I probably won’t. No I’m not getting back on stage, CUNT. Fuck off.
Kids review Super Junior’s Career
Watch these kids be tactful and try not to vomit in their own mouths when faced with the horrors of second-gen male idol groups. They’re the real super juniors.