It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
In case you missed it, Lee Areum, who was in T-ara back in “Sexy Love” days, attempted suicide the other day. Apparently she’s okay now, but think how much that would suck if she died. Don’t do it, people, because I know a lot of you think about it (I read what you send me). It’s always worth living another day to annoy more people who deserve it.
J-Hope with Gaeko, Yoon Mirae – Neuron
With a cast like this on board you’d hope for something that goes a bit harder than this smooth coffee shop rap-lite, but I guess not. Massive potential wasted. At least they got Yoon Mirae rapping rather than singing, but with a beat this bland the best rapper in the world couldn’t save it.
TXT – Deja Vu
Basically pretty average except for a cool bridge where they turn up the heaviness a bit, a rare example of the bridge being the highlight instead of the massive letdown that it usually is. (and yes I did notice the slightly better rock version, it ate a few crumbs I guess)
BABYMONSTER – Sheesh
2NE3 sorry I mean Babymonster finally arrive with the kind of big production track that sounds exactly as you’d expect from the group who’s job it is to pick up from exactly where Blackpink left off so YG can finally let the Blackpink ladies know that he considers them as expendable as 2NE1. Pity the song isn’t quite up to the task. “Sheesh” is great right up until it’s not, with those pre-chorus keyboard stabs giving the song a heavy, dramatic flair that sounds fantastic right up until the chorus arrives, spreads its asscheeks and takes a gigantic runny diarrhoea on everything. Hey fans, don’t forget to say ‘ate’ after you lap up those runny turds and wipe the stains off your your chin (the April Fools version of this roundup should give you some practice).
ARTMS – Birth
K-pop albums tracks are almost never good, but when they ARE good, it’s usually the album intro/first song, where the producers tend to do a bit of attention-getting experimentation before the rest of the album kicks in and just follows the same format as every k-pop album ever (the main single followed by rejected singles and ballad filler junk). “Birth” is a good example of the kind of first-album track that more agencies should be doing full videos for.
Aespa – Get Goin’
Definitely one of the most random-ass collabs I’ve ever seen, who knows that this 80s Muppets spin-off was going to get a reboot, let alone it being in Kwangya? I guess a kids’ series that tries to sneak social tolerance messages under the radar is very relevant in this day and age where everyone takes pride in being a media-illiterate pearl-clutching extremist something and “try looking at it from someone else’s point of view instead of being a self-absorbed cockhead who forever just boosts opinions that agree with their own” is increasingly impossible for many. Perhaps there’s hope for the kids and Gen Alpha can be the ones to teach Gen Z how to think and be media-literate again. A pity that the song is some ultra-lame 12-bar blues tossed out with no care at all (check 0:43 for an example of peak laziness, they couldn’t even be bothered getting the lipsync right), but at least the girls look outstanding whenever the fragglers aren’t getting their overexcited fuzzy mitts in the way. They’d better not lay a paw on my bias. Fraggle Rock’s first sexual harassment controversy incoming? (Wish you just had the ‘ate’ reviews back now, don’t you.)
Chungha – I’m Ready
By far the best thing Chungha has ever done, or most other people for that matter. You don’t need stupid bullshit to have a song, you just need a good beat, some catchy melody that sticks in your head and of course a video so it gets in these roundups.
BoA – Emptiness
There’s nothing to say about this ultra-average BoA song which could have been made by anybody, and no it definitely doesn’t eat, so here’s a reminder that the latest Kpopalypse survey is still live! Do it by CLICKING HERE and have your say on important issues in the world today, like Yunjin’s coffee drinking, BGT point-dances, cats, and whether you ‘ate’ coriander! Do it, caonima!
ILLIT – Midnight Fiction
Another song from this new group that’s so trivial that it pretty much just floats away, in one ear and out the other, while going nowhere near the mouth.
QWER – T.B.H
Okay, this is the first song from QWER that’s really damn good. Basically Gfriend but as a rock group and with random electronica segues for no reason.
RESCENE – UhUh
I’m loving the synth bass in this song, they turned it up to 11 for some reason and it really works. Everything else gets a little overshadowed, but that’s not a bad thing. Trivia: if you listen carefully there’s some girls singing and they don’t sound too bad I guess.
Lucas – Renegade
Not bad until that singsongy chorus happened and kind of ruined the mood.
UNIS – Superwoman
I was so unexcited to review this one that I almost published the entire roundup without reviewing it at all. Gosh what a shame that would have been.
UNIS – Dopamine
Their other song is a hell of a lot better. It’s not very rocking, but it’s rocking enough to not be boring, and in the usual k-pop sea of average blandness, that’s enough to make it stand out.
Candy Shop – Good Girl
I love how they’re being obviously very super nice to black kids in the music video, giving them hugs and lollipops and stuff. Those kids certainly ‘ate’. The company are of course preparing now for when the accidental casual racism controversy drops later in their careers, they’ll have the “but we love black people, look” defence right there ready to go. Thoughtful, just like how the cookie turns into a CD in NewJeans’ “Cookie” music video so Min Hee Jin can say “it’s about the music, honest!” just in case she gets called out for making underage girls sing “don’t you wish you ‘ate’ my ‘cookie’, come and taste it, boy”. There are consultancy people advising the agencies on this stuff these days.
VVUP – Locked On
I guess every new girl group is going to be having these weak fluttery beats now.
SUPER JUNIOR D&E – GBB
Apparently a very offensive song so I hope you’re all feeling appropriately offended. I’m just offended that a song reminded me of The Baddest Female, personally. Now I have that shit song stuck in my head instead of this slightly less shit one.
TAN – Hyper Tonic
I’m told that this is “the first song produced by Shinsadong Tiger released post mortem” and it shows, being pretty good and playing to a lot of the strengths that informed his better tracks. It’s good that we have this to remember him by instead of the final pretty average Tri.be stuff.
AMPERS&ONE – Broken Heart
I see them doing a sport thing, ideologically I have to oppose this. Let’s all rise up and boycott, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. I want to know, do you condemn hockey? Are you are that by watching this, you are supporting hockey? From the river to the sea, all the kids trapped in physical education class against their will shall be free.
Xikers – Red Sun
One thing I’ve learned about Xikers lately is that they are rarely boring. They’re always doing something that’s just fucking right out there, for better or worse. In this case it’s not the song, it’s that dance move at 0:25. What the fuck was that? I need a movement by movement breakdown of that by a qualified dance coach.
NCHIVE – Dive In
Look at 0:37, watch that guy spin around, his pink jumper has white stains on it. I guess that’s one way to insinuate the BGP but personally I think washing machines are underrated.
Wonho – No Text No Call
Every male soloist has a song like this, don’t they. Notice how Wonho is wearing a jumper here with a lot of space between the weaves so he can meet his “cute hiatus song fuzzy jumper quota” yet still remind you of his bulging torso.
DAY6 – Happy
A bland song but a video that I’ll try to remember for my next episode of the music theory series that will cover recording instruments, because they actually bothered to set up all the microphones for this video.
Davichi – I’ll Be By Your Side
There’s something that really gets my guard up with such a nice, positive song like this. I’d be more inclined to trust Seth Putnam’s human nature than anyone writing lyrics for Davichi right now. It’s always the ones with the resolutely sunny disposition and the heartfelt lyrics who harvest organs on the side or traffic humans to Dubai with fake job offers to work 18 hour days in the heat building skyscrapers that will remain empty until they fall apart ten years later.
Seoul Philharmonic Orchestra – Psycho (Orchestra Ver.)
Watching SM Entertainment trying to pass off shit orchestral versions of their pop songs to a pop audience is like watching Donald Trump doing crazy illegal shit every day (like literally stealing the nuclear codes) and the US courts playing softball with him instead of giving him the Julian Assange treatment. People only tolerate it because it’s a name that has built up a bit of questionable brand value over the years for some people, nobody would let an ordinary person get away with any of this shit.
Rina – Twenty
She ‘turned twenty’ but did she ‘get prettier’? Who knows, but her rapping here is laughably bad. I’m sure some people will be upset that I don’t like this, but – listen to the chitchats? Nah.
JO1 – Happy Unbirthday
Why are they dressed like a billiards table. I can’t eat off this table.
TMC – A yo bro
It’s sad that we no longer have N.O.M (which, not coincidentally, is the noise you make when you ‘eat’) but I feel like TMC are going to be able to fill the gap (so to speak) so I hope they keep doing stuff, even if I don’t really like this particular song. Although I liked “my MBTI is P, that’s TMI”, lyric of the year potentially.
Queen – Bird Song
Where’s Brian May’s guitar solos when you need them.
Lee Dahye – Hush
I tried and just could not come up with a single thing to say about Lee Dahye’s average-ass song, so instead let’s have our Asian-but-not-Korean not-pop not-world-music feature! Ou are a group from China and they sound like nothing else I’ve ever heard, combining prog djent whatever metal with ambience and doom metal and all sorts of other things. Apparently Devin Townsend got involved in the production of this (and also features on their most recent track) and it kind of fits given what he’s known for. Also, Devin Townsend is bald so that means anything he supports must be good and righteous and true. The only mystifying thing about this group is that their music is 90% keyboards but there’s no keyboard player, someone needs to step up and take credit for that.
HI CUTIE – Silly, That’s Love
The spirit of early Gfriend lives on in this super-budget version, and it’s hardly QWER but it’s not a bad effort. Hi Cutie have been in roundups before but I think this is probably the best they’ve done so far. Does it eat, I’m not sure, but hey not eating is good preparation for when they grow up, join a real idol agency and have to follow the diet plan, isn’t it.
Soyeon – Goodbye
Ballad hell is where former girl group members reside.
Yong Jun Hyung – Tomorrow (former Beast/Highlight member, it was involved in burning sun scandal)
Boy group members get to visit ballad hell too, with the main difference being that you can get involved in rape scandals and the fans will still love you and love your sentimental love ballad. Check the comments on this video if you don’t believe me.
Cyber Rui feat. Ash-B – Catch Up
Pretty meh beat but having Ash-B on any track automatically makes it better.
Dynamic Duo feat. pH-1, Junny – Pitapa
Wait, did Dynamic Duo finally release something that goes at over 25 BPM? Hoo-fucking-ray it’s about time.
Tablo feat. J.Sheon – 1000 Years
Tablo is boring this week though, oh well.
COOING – Rec
A pretty good song here thanks to some interesting harmony, it sounds like more than one old-school k-pop track from about a decade ago. Anyway let’s leave on a good note and stop roundup for this week here, yes.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Why are Indians getting banned in South Korea?
A little educational video just in case you’re curious about this topic, as I know I have quite a few Indian readers (it’s actually the fastest-growing segment of Kpopalypse readership right now). Spoiler if you don’t have time to watch the whole video: racism.
Chuu Can Do It – Chuu Internship in Amorepacific
I don’t really even know what Amorepacific even is but Chuu looks very smart in her work clothes and I would agree with everything she suggests.
Lee Hyori – Miss Korea
A song that I kind of forgot about and so did you probably because (as the song suggestor pointed out) its retro style was vastly overshadowed by IU’s “Modern Times” album that came out at around the same time, “Miss Korea” was still pretty decent and has aged well, just like Lee Hyori herself.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week! Oh and click HERE for the April Fools version of this roundup which really cleans up the plate!
