It’s time for Kpopalypse Christmas roundup! Let’s take a look at all of the k-pop christmas songs this year!
Yes folks it’s Christmas time once again, the season for giving. This year Kpopalypse will be getting into the giving spirit of Christmas and giving plenty of shit Christmas songs some bad reviews… but will I find anything here actually worth listening to? Let’s take a look!
Of course like any Kpopalypse list, this one has rules. They are:
Released this year
Christmas themed – generic “winter” themes don’t cut it, must be at least a Christmas tree visible in the video or something
Original songs only, covers don’t count – although a cover or two may slip through the net anyway due to my general lack of knowledge and/or interest in fucking shit music like this
Has an actual video, that’s more than just a lazy “lyric video”, someone pointing a mobile phone camera out of a car window for the entire thing, something made with a single prompt into an AI, etc
Songs are presented in chronological order of release, no quality ratings because it pretty much all sucks anyway as you’d expect
Not a complete list because who the fuck wants even more of this trash, nobody sensible that’s for sure
Let’s take a look at the songs!
November 25th – Ye Ram – Christmas Night
Christmas starts early this year if you’re nugu, so we’ll start off the Christmas reviews with this acoustic guitar ballad from some independent artist. Of course just because it’s independent doesn’t mean it’s any good and this shit sure isn’t, but at least she captures the true spirit of the season by both looking and sounding as miserable and depressed as the people who actually pretend to like the festive season while dying inside.
November 25th – BTOB – Be Alright
Holy shit BTOB read my mind, check out the lyrics here, they’re fully acknowledging that Christmas is peak suicide season and encouraging their lonely fans who have only a wall of BTOB posters to keep them company to just hang on and try to stay alive a little bit longer. It sucks that I’m actually always busy on Christmas day doing family shit but if I can find the time to squeeze it in I might just do a Christmas livestream to check in on you all. I’ll update on BlueSky if I decide to go ahead with that so just stay tuned I guess.
November 27th – Cho Mingyu – A Christmas Symphony
Look at the gormless way he looks off to the side at the end of the video. You can tell he’s as happy he’s done with singing it as we are with hearing it.
November 27th – NCT WISH – Wishful Winter
Rubbish song of course but I’ve never seen so many men with plushies. I like this. I think men liking things like plushies and lolita clothes and Infinity Nikki (add mouse y axis invert you stupid devs, don’t be like Genshin Impact, sheesh) should be normalised. This is the type of diversity initiative that never seems to come up in DEI discussions for some reason. It’s always about bland stuff like pronouns, unisex bathrooms and prayer rooms and never the important stuff like being able to bring your plushies into the boardroom meeting without being ridiculed by a bunch of sportball fans who just don’t get it.
November 29th – Yunsae – Jingle Bell Love
I think Yunsae on the other hand is afraid of plushies. Look how she’s got them all bunched up in one corner and is giving them no physical contact. Is she even human? She did make an unironic Christmas song called “Jingle Bell Love” so maybe not…
December 2nd – Olivia Marsh – First December With You
When my song submitter typed out this song to me in the list I get each week, they misspelled this one as “Fist December With You”, and after listening to it, that’s pretty much exactly how it felt to listen to.
December 2nd – Jueun – Santa, I have a wish
Jueun is one of the DIA girls who still comes up for oxygen occasionally, I’m sure her wish is to go back in time before she signed to her agency.
December 2nd – El Brothers, Christine Corless – Diamonds on the Ground
Is this even an actual k-pop Christmas comeback at all, or did the producer just break into a Nashville studio in the middle of the night and steal a thumb drive with songs on it from one of the thousands of generic country artists who try to make it in that town every year that nobody has heard of? Who the fuck knows but it can go in here for us to laugh at. It has less than 100 views so who even cares. There’s nugu, and there’s Christmas country nugu.
December 2nd – Blue Dragonz – Lalala
More devastatingly uninteresting nugu crap.
December 2nd – Heart Two – Heart of Winter
Look at the books on the shelf at 1:50, it’s like when you zoom up on a bookshelf in a first-person computer game and it’s all nonsense text. I think these girls are living in a particularly shit Christmas simulation.
December 3rd – Chungha – Sleigh
Oh wow, someone I’ve actually heard of. Chunga’s song doesn’t suck any less than the nugus but at least her video mrds
December 4th – U_Chae – You are my Christmas
A tip for you, lose the underscore in your name, we’ve all seen where that kind of thing leads in k-pop.
December 5th – Jeong Yoobi – Our Winter
More generic slop, can you even tell the difference between this Christmas ballad and any other because I can’t.
December 9th – ONEUS – Rupert’s Drop
It’s that genre known as “hitting the guitar strings with your fingers because you’re too lazy to get a drummer to hit something with a stick”. At first because of the name I was fearing that it was going to be “trap Christmas” but then it wasn’t and I regretted it because at least that would have been funny and shit instead of pissfartingly boring and shit.
December 9th – Stray Kids – Christmas Love
Hey Hunjin, tapping the microphone isn’t going to fucking help when it’s not even pointing in the right direction anyway. Just saying.
December 9th – 1set – Winter Love
A horrible Rhodesathon, truly awful.
December 10th – 100RED (Lee Seunggi, Taemin, Baekhyun, Chen, Xiumin, Ha Sungwoon, VIVIZ, Lee Mujin, BE’O, BADVILLAIN) – Last Christmas
Oh look an asteroid is plummeting to Earth and is going to wipe us all out. I can’t fucking wait personally, I hope it gets here before this song finishes.
December 10th – Lee Daehwi x Grass – Satellite
This is one of those songs where I was so bored that I kept getting sidetracked and it extended the length of time it took to write this post by about ten hours.
December 10th – Shin Su-ji, Yu-mi, Kim Min-kyung, Park Ki-ryang, Park Ji-young, Kim Yong-pil, Noh Seong-yul, Kim Hyun-ah, Il-min, Cheon Hee-seung, Kim Min-seon – Snow Flake
Who the hell are these people? There is a pretty good backflip at 2:47 though, plus it mrds, by the way I just found out you can pat all the animals in Infinity Nikki so that’s also held up this post writing. I was disappointed that I can’t seem to pat the spiders though, and have to catch them with a net instead of let them crawl up my arms, not very Australian…
December 10th – Dally feat. Lipnine – Alone now
You’d think independent Korean artists would know better, but no. Weirdly, this song has subs so deep my speakers could barely reproduce them. What a waste.
December 11th – umu – No Sad Christmas
First actual listenable song this year, I didn’t mind this. Cool distortion and the singer has got style.
December 11th – Jeong Jimin with Kim Miryeo, Kim Kyungah – Jingle Mama
Terrifying old-person ska, this song made me feel like the thirty year old twink that TikTok knows I am.
December 11th – OHAH – Snowy Day
Skating around the edge of eligibility but it has bells in the music and a christmas tree in the video towards the end so we’ll let it in here to be shat on. Mind you it’s far from the most awful song here.
December 12th – Heart Two – A Light of Christmas
The second song from this duo group for this list and it’s not any better than the first.
December 13th – YOUNG POSSE with John Park – Street Carol
Yes this is real. Watch the first girl who sings in Young Posse try to not roll her eyes too obviously as she starts this shit. People will be begging them to get back to their so-called “cultural appropriation” after this one.
December 13th – JO1 – Dear Santa
Santa’s receiving some JOI this year, I guess it’s going to be a white Christmas.
December 14th – Oh Eunseo – Jelly Jelly Christmas
How is this poop actually one of the best songs here.
December 16th – FIFTY FIFTY – Naughty or Nice
Better than the usual Christmas slop from Korea just because it’s a bit musically perky, Fifty Fifty are slightly above average yet again, mind you “slightly above average” still basically means “unlistenable” when we’re talking about Christmas songs.
December 16th – Jooan – Because It’s Christmas
A really weird swing beat on this song, where they didn’t program the swing correctly into the drum machine, so it’s swinging closer to a sixteenth note than two parts of a triplet. Don’t worry if you don’t know exactly what that means, but if the song sounds to you like the beat is stumbling over itself all the time, that’s why.
December 16th – Rani – Happy Miyoung
Oh fuck, it has harmonica in it. Kill it with fire.
December 16th – TWICE – The Wish
Rubbish song of course but Jeongyeon gets a full three seconds of uninterrupted screen time here which is probably worth sticking around for just to marvel at. Come on JYP where’s the photobook.
December 18th – BANG&JUNG&YOO&MOON – Christmas With You
Oh my fucking god it’s the B.A.P rabbits, who remembers them? Looks like we haven’t seen them for about a decade because they’ve been hiding in embarassment after they shat themselves at the Christmas party. Imagine trying brand B.A.P on this dreadful ballad, they’d be better off just hoping people forgot what group they were in.
December 18th – Hyojung – Hot December
Don’t get too close to the water there Hyojung, we all know where that leads, chiki chika chu
December 18th – FAVE1 – Christmas Kiss
FAVE1 are actually the old veteran boy group group 100% back with a new name, and a new shitty Christmas song that sounds like every other more upbeat Christmas song ever.
December 18th – AIMERS – Confetti
I’m aiming to skip this song this Christmas.
December 20th – Dreamcatcher – My Christmas Sweet Love
Dreamcatcher fuck their own brand once again by being soft as shite and adding only the tiniest slivers of guitar to this generic-as-they-come Christmas trash.
December 20th – SUPER JUNIOR D&E – Jingle Jingle
So much for their recent GD&TOP direction, those Christmas hampers don’t pay for themselves apparently.
December 20th – Suen x Gist – Hot Chocolate°F
Another dreary ballad from some nugus, I don’t think I give a fuck.
December 24th – ONEWE – WE X MAS
This millenial-whooping big rock number doesn’t have much of a Christmas feel and it’s probably just as well. Also a rare guitar solo appears! Still pretty awful though.
Decenber 24th – Chungha – There Goes Santa Claus!
Chungha pops out another Christmas song, and puts entirely too much effort into this one. She ends up with a song that’s not great but still better than about 80% of her back catalogue.
December 24th – EHEHE – Nothing’s Gonna Change For Christmas
Despite the promisingly ominous song title, this is actually pretty bland and awful.
BONUS CHRISTMAS STOCKING SHIT
Chuu – Nothing (Bruno Major cover)
Super weird how the Chuu christmas cover is the least smiley I’ve ever seen her, there are stretches of up to three seconds at a time when she’s not grinning like an idiot, amazing! I guess she’s one of those people who gets depressed around this time of year, or maybe she’s just miserable because that wig is itchy.
Chuu Can Do It – Chuu’s Christmas Party
GIRLS NIGHT
GIRLS NIGHT
GIRLS NIGHT
GIRLS ARE INVITED
BOYS ARE BANNED
GIRLS NIGHT
GIRLS NIGHT
GIRLS NIGHT
[Miss Maxim Office Life] Who’s the Christmas Maxim Model Visiting Only Good Adults? MAXIM Seha
I’m not sure if my readers have been good enough for a visit from Seha. I’ve seen what you people search to find this website.
ARTMS – “Last Christmas”
“Ariana Grande” cover – what the fuck? Do they really not know that this is a Wham song? Don’t they teach history in school? Awful version anyway, fits with all the other trash songs here I guess.
PINK CHRISTMAS LETTER from SMTOWN
These things are always good if you want to know who SM gives a shit about and who they don’t. Just note who is absent from roll call at these.
That’s all for this post! I’m sure I left out a few Christmas songs here and there, but if I did, please don’t mention or link them in the comments below because nobody cares! Kpopalypse will return soon with more posts!
