It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
NCT’s Ten has left SM Entertainment, which should make my gay readers happy because it probably means his dating ban has been lifted. Although I heard a rumour that he wanted to do more Christian music (probably inspired by Girls909) and SM wouldn’t let him so that’s why he left. Either way, don’t worry – he’s still eligible to be voted for in Kpopalypse objectification surveys!
BTS – 2.0
Congratulations to BTS for overcoming their usual curse of BlandTastic Shit and instead making some Beyond Terrible Slop. Truly musically awful beyond belief, this explores new levels of cringe that I didn’t think the boys were even capable of. At least the Oldboy-inspired video is genuinely impressive, even if the implications of it are a bit odious (HYBE deliberately positioning this song as something as culturally relevant as Oldboy – sorry but no pass, you need a much better song than this to make a stunt like that work).
AKMU – Paradise of Rumors
Reminds me of “Cherry Blossom Ending” in that it’s a song that seems designed to soothe Koreans traumatised by hypercapitalist slavery. It’s probably going to be huge and it might even decrease the suicide rate. Also it’s great to see Kpopalypse bias Suhyun touching grass. However outside of that context it’s just an awful song with one of the weirdest dances I’ve ever seen.
T.O.P – Desperado
T.O.P sounds okay enough when he’s rapping but whoever wrote the singing sections here (surely not him given how castrated it sounds?) has to go.
Monsta X – Heal
Definite Christian vibes in Monsta X’s new ballad. Speaking of all things Christian, the new Kpopalypse book “Girls909” is now out! Main character Eunice would definitely approve of this song, even if they didn’t let her appear on stage singing it…
Rolling Quartz feat. Lee Siyeon of ChRocktikal – Roll the dice
Rolling Quartz have a great hard rock sound but their problem has always been lousy melodic choices. Dreamcatcher have always had decent melody but their problem has always been not enough rawness and willingness to go hard. Somehow together Siyeon and Rolling Quartz compensate for each other’s weaknesses and the result is the best song ever made by either of them.
KISS OF LIFE – Who is she
Actually pretty good. Looks like all Kiss Of Life needed to get back on form was a bit of fandom hate. Mind you if I see one more video with AI cars doing burnouts around the performers I’m going to use my own car to gatecrash Julie’s next birthday party.
Kep1er – KILLA (Face the other me)
Apparently this song is doing disastrously on Spotify and people have been asking me if this indicates anything in particular. In these particular circumstances it definitely indicates a shit song.
NiziU – Too Bad
I’ve recently fine-tuned my YouTube recommendations so it only ever shows me k-pop related stuff and litereally nothing else ever, but somehow I still managed to put off writing this review while I spent an hour down the YouTube rabbit hole watching the usual borderline-nazi bullcrap that the algorithm shoves in each and every person’s face because while it sucked, it was still more interesting than trying to find words to describe Nizu’s new song.
Somin – Backseat
The main hook of this song sounds like a pitch-shifted fart. Hey since this song sucks, let’s use this space to tell you that the latest Kpopalypse survey is still running! Click here to participate if you feel the urge and haven’t done so yet!
Kickflip – Eye Poppin’
Not exactly amazing as it doesn’t have anything to really set it apart from dozens of other k-pop songs just like this coming out lately. It’s okay though.
fromis_9 – Sky Runner
More “for the fans” poop. I guess if it’s okay for Lovebites I mean BTS it’s okay for the underscore group, pity the song is just mid.
P1Harmony – ICE (VVS)
That bullshit music nobody likes.
PLAVE feat. Sole – Hmm Hmm Hmm
Not really much going on here, just competent but bland. Even the avatars are nothing all that interesting, they’re not bad enough to laugh at or good enough to swoon over.
Izna – Love All
It’s one of those “look, we’re being filmed in the studio, we’re singers, honest” videos. You know however that they’re not studio veterans because they’re smiling instead of yawning. Nobody who has to regularly work in one actually likes the recording studio this much.
N.Flying – Flashback
Not sure what this is a flashback to, certainly not their debut song which they stilll haven’t topped.
Cosmosy – Silence ~ body & soul ~
Just your regular reminder that Cosmosy are arguably not within the scope of what Kpopalypse.com covers, but even if they were they’d probably not get in roundups anyway just due to being too bland, boring and basically crap to even be notable enough to put in. So if I don’t put their songs in future roundups, don’t worry – rest assured that I saw them. I heard them. I just decided that I don’t give a shit.
MYNAME – Time’s Up
See, why should I include mega-mid stuff that’s barely eligible like Cosmosy when I have a ton of other mega-mid stuff that is 100% eligible like this to cover.
Catch The Young – Sail
Just some ballad crap. No young are going to be caught with this song, to listen to this you should be over 80 and be carrying ID.
Hi-Fi Un!corn – Compass
The “rock” groups really are exploring mid as a concept this week.
Rawburn – Rawburn
I don’t mind the weirdly empty ambience of this, but the song has tons of “build” in the arrangement but hardly any payoff at all which is irritating. At least it’s vaguely interesting.
FIVE O ONE – Set It Off
Apparently a reunion project formed by three original members of SS501, including our friend Kim Hyun Joong. The fast-paced dance music here sure packs a “punch”, hey.
FIVE O ONE – Spin Me Your Smile
Here’s another potential “hit” that I’m sure you’ll get into. It’s quite decent actually, as solid as Kim Hyun Joong’s mixed MMA skills, or the furniture in his house.
Seeya – Still Here, Still Us
You know it’s some fucking bullshit when the first shot isn’t of the performers but the chairs they’re going to boringly sit on for the rest of their singing careers.
Kino – Taxi
Influences of early 80s breakdancing music here, not a style that k-pop flirts with often. It’s not that much of a song but it at least sticks out for being a little different.
Melonii – Risky Risky
Melonii wants to do some s.e.s type thing and okay whatever, “run for your dream”, I guess. The secret number is still two.
Dita – R.I.P
Her old groupmate Dita’s song is even worse though.
Zelo – Cola Comigo
BAP’s Zelo goes for a “latin” thing and it’s just as awful as these things usually are.
ISHA – F the Love
Every single second of my life that I’ve sent checking out what ex-Berry Good members have been doing since leaving Berry Good has been a wasted second of my life that I won’t get back.
DPR IAN – The Show
Nice and cruisy, this song is very good in the same way that a lot of Fifty Fifty songs are good. In fact it’s probably even better than a lot of those songs. Recommended.
Hanroro – 1111
There’s a lot of food wasted for this crappy video. I hope the streams or whatever were worth it.
Hanroro – Game over ?
And in this video she’s just leaving toilet paper on the ground. Do you know how wasteful that is, especially in this economy? In my country people kill each other for a fresh roll.
MIGHTY MOUTH “Lalala” Feat. Minyoung
Children’s TV vibes galore on this track which probably isn’t of interest to anyone but I thought you’d like to to know that a member of BBGirls/Brave Girls is actually still doing stuff, so here you go.
Saebit – Bleach!
Sounds like it’s going to be some weird post-prog excursion at first, but once this song settles in it’s surprisingly bland.
Min Jiwoon – Feel It Too
Someone at SM Entertainment heard this bland as fuck ballad and thought “promote her properly for once? Nah I’m good thanks”.
Dbo, ksmartboi, YunB & Huckleberry P – Need More Gas
Dbo and friends are here to solve the fuel crisis. I guess they’d better help us or we’re going back to the days of HORSE and cart amirite
Some rap guys – Fockit
That’s exactly how I feel about writing a review for this, or even listing out the members.
Dok2 – It’s Me Pt.3
Lee Hi is about to get pissed at her new man for spilling the booze everywhere. Personally I’d be more upset about the lack of beats though.
4shyrd – Getty
Why do all the little artists sound like Brokencyde now. What did we do to deserve this.
Millionaires – Party Like A Millionaire
Speaking of which, let’s have our non-Korean feature of the week – crunkcore was of course generally awful but the best group out of that whole “thing” in the 2000s was Millionaires. I never worked out why they were even lumped in with the other “crunkcore” groups because they had little in common with them musically. Millionaires dispensed with the cookie monster voices the other groups had completely (that’s the ‘core’ bit, I think) and while some of their songs sucked, others were outright decent. “Party Like a Millionaire” recalls Front Line Assembly in the verses, CSS in the chorus, and somehow is musically just about strong enough to overcome the written-on-the-nightclub-toilet-wall lyrics.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Sisilessthan3 – BTS Just Exposed a MAJOR Problem with Kpop!!
A twenty minute rant about how BTS don’t sing in Korean anymore, despite promising that singing in Korean is a very important part of their core identity. Which is fair enough, but it’s not really the main problem with BTS, is it.
Thought I’d give her a heads up. Someone has to keep it real for the kids out there.
Prince Vatani – I’m a K-Pop Idol. I’ll Answer Your WILDEST Assumptions
Thai idol Prince Vatani from Ghost9 answers questions and confirms a bunch of stuff Kpopalypse already told everyone a decade ago but nobody believed at the time because it was me saying it, not oppar with shiny hair and glistening abs. His responses are pretty legit as you would expect, and although he does avoid the biggest scariest questions (or perhaps they just weren’t asked) he does still tackle a few worthy ones so it’s worth a look.
U-KISS – Doradora
Sounding pretty good in retrospect, “Doradora” wasn’t all that notable back when it came out due to k-pop in general just really being quite good at the time, meaning that U-Kiss got a bit buried among the Hallyu avalanche. Had they come out during a different era luck would have probably been a bit kinder to them.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
