After removing my clothes, I wade into the promo sump. Yes, nakedness is advised for such a foray, as any loose material can get you ensnared by the bog’s filtration and disposal machinery or by the foul denizens that reside within the sludge. I enter herein with a single purpose in mind: to find a promo that will restore my credibility as a reviewer, if I ever had any to begin with. Since my return to the hall, I’ve written 3.5 after 3.5, and I am in search of something that will bring my average down before I am made to “non-suspiciously” disappear again. I reach down and grasp a promising prospect. Pieces of congealed n00b meat and 16-year-old promo remains fall from the cover, revealing a band name that sounds like some guy’s last name and a photo of several dudes in various tough-guy poses. I smile, allowing myself to hope that I’ve found what I’m looking for. Further investigation reveals Rozario’s Northern Crusaders to be a 50-minute-long heavy/power metal album, and I tell myself that this has 2.5 written all over it. Yep, this’ll do.
My confidence grows when I see that these Norwegians have picked the album’s first two songs as singles. “Fire and Ice” starts things off with some energetic power metal-infused heavy metal that brings Dream Evil immediately to mind. After a huge earworm chorus and some killer riffing and leads, the song winds down, and I’m horrified to realize that I’ve been involuntarily smiling and headbanging the whole time. Fear not, I say to myself. The next single can’t be as good. “We are One” takes the momentum of the opener and runs with it. I hear Brainstorm. I hear Dio. I hear more Dream Evil. I hear an even bigger chorus. Shit.
Not to worry! I’m sure they’ve simply stacked the singles at the front because they’re the best tunes. A qualitative drop-off is sure to come! Just as those foolish words finish leaving my mind-lips, “Down Low” slaps me across the face with a down-tuned chug that I didn’t see coming. This PED-enhanced version of Rozario, also seen on “Sleepless” and “Betrayed,” fits the Brainstorm mold alluded to above, and even ventures towards Mystic Prophecy levels of heaviness. “Crusader” and “Die Like Warriors” both see the band putting their Saxon pants on, their quality daring me to add them both to my “SWOARDS” playlist of battle-ready metal.
I finish Northern Crusaders for the first time and am surprised at just how fast the album’s 50 minutes flew by. I play it again. I like it even more. I am totally fucked. Sure, I can look across the album’s track list and pick out two songs that I don’t absolutely love (“Coming Home” and “The Warning”), but they’re still good songs whose place in the runtime almost totally mitigates any potential impact they could have had on the overall flow. I’m rather pissed that singer David Rosario puts in a journeyman performance with his weathered voice, and I’m even more upset that he’s filled his near-eponymous band with so much talent, particularly on guitar. The duo of Stein Hjertholm and Taran Lister has filled these tracks with muscular riffs, beautiful leads, and face-melting solos, and this is a huge reason that Northern Crusader feels so effortless and easily replayable. Even the production is fantastic. Gah! What a catastrophe!
It’s now been several weeks since I plucked this from the sump. As I put the finishing touches on the review and prepare to enter the final rating, I am suddenly aware of a presence in the room with me. I look up from my laptop screen to see 3.5 glaring at me with a sinister smile on its face. “You couldn’t live with your own failure,” it says. “Where did that bring you? Back to me.” I type the score, realizing it is futile to resist, fully aware that I’ve made the mistake of judging Rozario’s Northern Crusaders by its cover. I slam my computer screen down, stand up, and walk away, naked and full of shame.1
Rating: 3.5/5.0
DR: 10 | Format Reviewed: 320 kbps mp3
Label: Pride & Joy Music
Websites: rozarioofficial.com | facebook.com/rozarioband
Releases Worldwide: February 20th, 2026
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