It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
I’m pretty sure this is a real image of Yujin from IVE, but if it isn’t, it’s probably Starship’s fault.
Jennie – Zen
We’re still in January and we already have a serious contender for turkey of the year. The song sounds like a Lim Kim reject, but I can kind of forgive Lim Kim for her noise because she’s trying to be “art” or some bullcrap, whereas someone wrote this for Jennie and spent big dollars on it actually hoping it would be a breakout worldwide hit or… something? The mind boggles.
Rosé – 3am
Meanwhile Rose just kind of does a lighter-waving rock thing and it’s not going to blow anyone’s socks off but it’s inoffensive enough to be acceptable crowd participation fluff for those solo concerts she’ll inevitably end up doing.
Minnie – Her
A beat like the better (read: faster) Mamamoo songs, but not a lot is done with it.
Minnie – It’s Okay
Another worthless Dingo live thing. I should probably stop including these “fake live” things in roundup, but if I don’t, people will bombard me with endless questions about what I thought about some fake live thing, and that’s often even more boring that writing these reviews where I tell you there’s nothing interesting to see or hear here. Also it’s a slow-ass week so it can go in. People who complain about my roundup content where I review every irrelevant-ass video, just know that it only exists due to popular demand!
Hong Jinyoung – Spring, Again
A ballad as leaden and unwelcome as the BB cream on Hong Jin Young’s face. I just want to reach into the screen and scrape some off with my fingernail.
CIX – Thunder
Some readers told me on my very short regular weekly “let’s quickly skim the main roundup songs and talk shit” livestream that this sounds like the French electronic group Justice, and they’re right, it does. Pity that the person writing the vocal lines didn’t really notice the influence and lean into this sound as well, because this could have been awesome but instead it just comes out kind of okayish.
PLAVE – Island
Well if I was writing a song like this, I’d want to hide behind a computer avatar too. I don’t even think Asian Junkie aka the only documented Plave fan in existence could stan this shitful ballad.
NCT WISH – Miracle
SM dig into the vault of forgotten Super Junior songs because they couldn’t be bothered writing the same crap for each new boy group they debut, but the biggest disappointment here is no Shindong cameo of him goofing off in the dance break, or even any form of equivalent. What’s worse than crappy boy pop? Crappy boy pop taking itself completely seriously.
CATCH THE YOUNG – You, Always (2025)
Another old song that probably could have used an upgrade, but it ends up just being smoothed over into nothing.
FIFTY FIFTY – SOS (Miami Bass Remix)
One thing that the original “SOS” got just about perfect was the production style, this dreadful remix which butchers all the harmony and replaces the original rhythms with some weak-ass toybox crap ruins everything that worked about the original song and absolutely did not need to happen.
Onew – Promise You
Onew, we are aware that you exist. You can stop releasing songs now.
Balming Tiger – Spirit Chaebol
This nonsense… kind of suits them, actually. Not sure if I would say that I “like” this or would play it again, but I think they do a better job of it than Pungdeng-E ever did.
Dbo x YDG – Count Your Blessings
If YDG’s mother from Squid Game 2 was here she’d definitely disapprove of him hanging out and making music with people like Dbo.
Kaya – Rockstar
Pro guitarists often don’t want to be seen with Squiers because it’s like “baby Fender” but honestly those guitars are good these days. Squiers were dogshit back when I was learning (weirdly there’s a vintage market for the old Japanese/Korean made Squiers, which just goes to show that guitar collectors are idiots) but these days the manufacturing has gotten so much better, to the point where the only meaningful difference between Squier and Fender these days is the quality of the electronics. I still gig with Squiers because they’re not attractive targets for theft, so they’re great for playing the occasional smaller shows in dodgy high-crime areas while you leave your expensive guitars at home for the big shows where they have secure backstage rooms.
SuperKidd – Roar! Roar! Roar! (Throw Your Passion!)
Well, at least Jennie’s crap song didn’t have sport in the video.
Coogie – 1,2,3,4,5
Rappers are walking in AI-generated streets now because they’re too pussy for the real streets. Meanwhile the girl looks like she’s trying to not laugh at him. Relatable.
Fleeky Bang feat. Sik-K – #longlive
You don’t need to hear another song from these losers and neither do I, so let’s put our weekly non-Korean LGBT feature here instead! There’s a lot of heavy metal celebrities who are too scared to come out of the closet, but one who definitely isn’t is Gaahl, the singer from Norwegian black metal band Gorgoroth. A lot of people reacted strangely to the news of his homosexuality, but I think it fits perfectly, after all sodomy is supposed to be a sin, and since black metal is trying to be the most self-consciously sinful music out there, they should be embracing it. It’s also worth noting that besides being a talented musician and a straight-shooter with his beliefs, Gaahl is great at interviews. If only politicians worldwide were this good at answering the goddamn question.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Sexyy Red & Bruno Mars – Fat Juicy & Wet
No k-pop people are in this musically, but Rose makes an appearance in the video along with Lady Gaga for seemingly no reason other than she had a free schedule that day. It’s especially funny because the presentation here is way more sexual than any k-pop video would allow, isn’t it funny how k-pop stars tend to show up in relatively sexual content almost immediately after they cut their association with the big Korean labels. It’s almost like k-pop is a hyperconservative bubble with a really weird and unhealthy anti-woman view on sexuality that nobody actually shares in the real world, and that the women involved in it often can’t wait to get away from.
Chuu Can Do It – learning how to use a combat rifle, with Park Boram from Steel Unit W
Americans get your genitals out because Chuu is learning how to shoot an M4 assault rifle. She’s a pretty good shot for a newbie as it happens, there’s no question that she’s handled guns before, but then is anyone who reads this website even surprised? Her female instructor is from some reality special forces TV show (I think) and there’s lots of subtle BADING energy happening here so enjoy.
Son Dam Bi – Saturday Night
Why doesn’t k-pop have more solo singers? Well it always did, it’s just that for the most part they didn’t make bank. Bravesound were still in their “Wonder Woman” phase back when this song for Son Dam Bi came out, and it shows, with the production being pretty rough around the edges compared to what the production team became known for slightly later. The song even comes with a completely unspectacular guitar solo with horrible midrangey distortion instead of the usual cringe rap breakdown part, that’s how you know it’s old school.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
