It’s the return of the only k-pop related awards that matter – it’s time for kpopalypse.com to check out who is punching who in the face for alopecia jokes at the 2024 Kpopalypse Awards!
THE 2024 KPOPALYPSE AWARDS
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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2024
Who specifically made Korean fans cry hardest in 2024?
Nominees:
Seunghan (ex-RIIZE) – for going the extra mile to comply with his fans’ wishes
Karina (aespa) – for realising the k-drama fan dream and dating a Korean actor
Baekhyun (EXO)/Jennie (Blackpink) – TIED – for quitting smoking
Yuri (Girls’ Generation) – for appreciating Korean brutalist architecture
and the winner is:
KARINA
Always winning at life, Karina is not only the leader of the best group on SM Entertainment right now for music quality, she also managed to live the dream of all k-drama fans everywhere and snag herself a hot male actor. Of course then she had to apologise and grovel for her career 0.005 seconds later because Korean fans and their “if I can’t have you, nobody can” energy is right up there with with your stalker ex who contacts you under false names months after the relationship is over to see if you’re going out with anyone new yet. Hopefully Karina is still getting that hot male actor booty in secret and the people who couldn’t handle this completely mundane dating news are still bitter to this day. Congratulations, Karina!
THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2024
Who specifically made international fans cry hardest in 2024?
Nominees:
Jeewon (ex-Cignature) – for boldly stepping into the role recently vacated by the Honey Popcorn members
Haru (ex-Nature) – for boldly stepping into the other role recently vacated by the Honey Popcorn members
NewJeans – for… well, nobody’s really quite sure what’s going on, but gosh they sure upset a lot of folks didn’t they
Fifty Fifty – for none of the above
and the winner is:
NEWJEANS
Since at least some NewJeans members are still underage, that makes them a totally ripe target for international hate! Everyone knows that k-pop fans and their concern for the welfare of children is a complete lie, and NewJeans sure proved that this year. There’s nothing that international k-pop fans love more than bullying a bunch of young girls because of their own internalised jealousy (because the NewJeans girls get to be a k-pop while k-pop fans have to get their overdue assignments in) and the current mess of legal confusion surrounding them is the perfect excuse to exploit the ambiguity to stick the knife right in. With the power of Johnny Depp and Justin Baldoni’s sorry I mean HYBE’s new PR agency subtly twisting the narrative against NewJeans in both published articles and social media at every turn, it’s misogyny season!
THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2024
Who had the freshest, flyest hip-hop style of 2024?
Nominees:
Jessi – for hanging around with unwashed thugs like a true hip-hop
San E – for being an unwashed thug like a true hip-hop
Suga (BTS) – for doing stupid shit while drunk like a true hip-hop
Go Won (ex-Loossemble) – for doing none of the above
and the winner is:
GO WON
Go Won is putting her hand up to say “stop, no more hip-hop comebacks in Korea please”. In an era where hip-hop is little more than a lame materialistc parody of itself, even more dead than it was when Nas declared it so in 2006 and Necro in 2010, Go Won is just doing the right thing, and putting her money where her mouth is by breaking up her group and refusing to do any more rap verses. Someone has to take a stand before YG write another piece of shit comeback nobody wants to hear.
THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2024
Who raised more awareness of cultural sensitivities than any other idol in 2024?
Nominees:
Yujin (Kep1er)/Isa (Badvillain) – TIED – for promoting the religion of peace
Yoona (Girls’ Generation) – for proving that Asians are as oppressed on the red carpet of Cannes as any other race
Hyolyn (Sistar) – for sharing her appreciation of black culture
IU – for being inclusive of both gays and people with disabilities
and the winner is:
IU
IU named her new song “Love Wins” but people took offence for some unknown reason, so she actually listened to the feedback and thoughtfully changed the song’s name to “Love Wins All”, and then people took offense again for some unknown reason. This gives IU the impressive double-whammy of offending two different marginalised groups with one comeback, and also proved that while love might indeed win, pandering to offended people never wins you anything except even more people emboldened by their “victory” looking for ever-smaller things to nitpick over and crow about. In the k-pop space at least, stupidity wins all.
THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2024
Who did more to highlight important gender issues in k-pop in 2024?
Nominees:
Mingyu (Seventeen) – for reminding us that leaked celebrity nudes are an equal opportunity employer
Jay Park – for being the first k-pop idol to start an OnlyFans account
Seungri (ex-BigBang) – for wanting to fuck his fans to the beat of his songs
Chodan (QWER) – for bringing valuable nuance to Korean feminist discourse
and the winner is:
CHODAN
A few statements that Chodan made seven(!) years ago on a livestream about the annoying feminists at her Uni campus were enough to convince the entirety of k-pop fandoms globally that this martial-arts-enjoying G-Idle-Soyeon-collaborating girl-rocker was a Trumpist neo-Nazi tradwife who squishes kittens in disguise. The reality is that nobody likes university feminists, especially not university feminists, who spend most of their time writing essays about how wrong the other university feminists are – just ask any gender studies student. Just don’t ask Chodan, who doesn’t give a fuck and hasn’t addressed any of the noise because she’s too busy rocking out in QWER and being the world’s best fashion model.
THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2024 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS
Who paid down their company debts in the boldest, most daring ways in 2024?
Nominees:
EXO-CBX – for fighting with their agency over some complicated stuff nobody really understands fully
NewJeans – for fighting with their agency over some complicated stuff nobody really understands fully
Fifty Fifty (old lineup) – for fighting with their agency over some complicated stuff nobody really understands fully
Kang Daniel – for fighting with his agency over some complicated stuff nobody really understands fully
and the winner is:
EXO-CBX
What grants you a surefire place in The Kpopalypse Awards more than taking action against your label? Taking action against your label twice for the same reason! EXO-CBX had a bit of a dispute with their label SM Entertainment in 2023, which was then supposedly resolved. I of course didn’t believe it was an amicable resolution for a minute, and everyone jumped right down my throat and said “Dear Mr Kpopalypse stop being so cynical and trying to brew discord amongst EXO fans by suggesting that everything’s not now all sweet and lovely between EXO and SM, they resolved their legal dispute and now love each other very much.” Of course I have personal experience in label dispute matters so I knew that their “settlement” really wasn’t, and of course it blew back right the fuck up in 2024 as EXO-CBX once again did that inconvenient thing where they demanded that they have some rights and money and stuff. Better save your EXO pictures on your hard drive while you can before SM starts claiming that they were always a six-member group.
THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2024 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF
Who was the most fearless rookie girl-group punching-bag of 2024?
Nominees:
UNIS – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
ILLIT – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
MEOVV – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
QWER – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
and the winner is:
ILLIT
HYBE’s “we have NewJeans at home” group inevitably found themselves drawn into the whole NewJeans conflict mess, because how could they not, it’s almost what they were designed for. On top of that they had plenty of controversy of their own to contend with, as their label’s ham-fisted attempt to duplicate everything about Min Hee Jin’s products from the sound to the image to the under-the-radar “healthy porn” angle backfired as expected. Of course everyone took all of this as a way to miss the point and shit on the girls instead of the people behind the scenes making decisions, because this is k-pop where bullying underage girls is just what fans do. Stay strong, ILLIT!
THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FAN CRITICAL THINKING 2024
Who did more to reveal the stupidity of k-pop fans than anybody else in 2024?
Nominees:
Jeewon (ex-Cignature) – for treating a JAV star like an actual human being instead of a cumdump
Hyuna – for healing the world with love
Chodan (QWER) – for hating her gender studies coursework as much as you did
NewJeans – for something or other which has probably changed by the time you read this
and the winner is:
JEEWON
Jeewon proved in 2024 that k-pop fans never fail to fall for “evil editing”. You’d think a few decades of faked controversies and manipulated reality TV shows would have taught people to not believe everything they see on social media so readily, but oh no – fans believe what they want to believe, every time. When fans wanted to believe that Jeewon was incredibly upset about being sexualised, they had no evidence to speak of, so they made some up by stitching together two different parts of the same TV show out of context and of course everyone believed it and fell for it because k-pop fans are, and always will be, catatonically fucking stupid as fuck. Jeewon in the meantime was happily doing TikToks with her new JAV star friend and gleefully stealing the show at the same Waterbomb festival she supposedly “disapproved” of. Imagine trying to paint a frown on the smiliest face in k-pop since Chuu, just because of your own internalised misogyny. That’s k-pop fans for you.
That’s all for the 2024 Kpopalypse Awards! We hope that you have enjoyed tonight’s presentation! Please make your way out of the auditorium quietly without disturbing the neighbours, as they’re probably busy watching those Jeewon videos on repeat which requires lots of concentration! Kpopalypse will return!
