The Onion, the long-running satirical news website that began as a print publication, has caught on in the digital media world and its parent company made a brazen move seemingly pulled from its headlines. The Onion‘s parent company purchased conspiracy theorist Alex Jones‘ InfoWars, and the “CEO” of the parent company has issued a statement.
The news was announced via The Onion and features words from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder, a fictitious CEO according to The Onion’s CEO, Ben Collins. That aside, Mr. Tetraeder’s statement to the world regarding the purchase of InfoWars is done in true Onion fashion.
From Bryce P. Tetraeder:
Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.
No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.
Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.
What’s next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories.
Global Tetrahedron, which is the real name of the parent company, purchased InfoWars through a bankruptcy auction to help offset Jones’ $1 billion in defamation judgments for spreading information that the tragic Sandy Hook Elementary shooting was a hoax. Parents and backers of the shooting victims were in support of the auction and the ending of InfoWars, according to replies made by Collins on X and Bluesky
The larger play for InfoWars appears to be a shift to turn all of its hateful and unfounded content into a hub for gun violence prevention. Alex Jones also shared a video on Thursday (November 14) confirming the news.
On X, the reaction to the news is moving along and we’ve got reactions below.
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Photo: Getty
