Every few years, the remorseless wargrinder that is AMG Blogworks, Ltd. hungers for new blood and intellectual treasure. Sadly, we’ve reached the stage where sloth, poor taste, and general life malaise have conspired to take their toll on the current AMG staff and now we need an infusion of new flesh for the Flesh God. That means it’s time for another casting call! We are once again throwing open the doors to the inner sanctum of AMG and offering free beer, endless promo, and constant humiliation for all wannabe reviewers of the heavy metal arts.
Here’s what it takes to fill the shoes of so many dead former staffers:
An excellent use of the English language. Please note that this does not mean you need to be a native speaker (see point 7!)—we have had plenty of excellent writers who aren’t—but it is key that you know the difference between its and it’s or that you know how to use a thesaurus to avoid banned words like “samey.” This also means that you need to be producing the text yourself, not with help from some generative AI model.
The ability to edit your text. Writing is about editing. The first draft is never about producing a real review. That happens on the 4th or 5th draft. If you go 300 words over the limit, do you know how to edit it down?
Timeliness and the ability to hit deadlines. We get it: we don’t pay, life gets in the way, and we’ve all had our share of life interceding. But deadlines are key to keeping everything working, and your ability to hit them is the key to working here. Ideally, you will submit one review every week when you write for AMG.com.
The ability to accurately follow directions and to take criticism and a willingness to learn. We work with a style guide; you must learn how to use it. You will also get personal guidance in your writing from Angry Metal Guy and/or Steel Druhm. This can mean you must take criticism, and sometimes brutal criticism from brutal overlords. We promise that you will get better at having done it. But we cannot promise it won’t hurt your feelings a little (or a lot).
An interest in finding new music. Most bands aren’t signed to Nuclear Blast and you probably won’t get high profile reviews early on because we have rules about these kinds of things. Finding good bands that aren’t popular, or finding a niche is a good way to enjoy what you’re doing here.
You are not planning on writing reviews for anyone but us. If you are currently writing for other publications—even if those publications are not metal—we need your assurances that thou shalt have no other blogs. This has not worked out for us in the past (see mass grave #4 as proof) and we have no reason to believe it will work out for us in the future.
You have a unique perspective on the metal scene. Yes, we’re all unique snowflakes and our parents hit that message home nice and hard. But some of us are more unique than others demographically speaking and you know who you are. Don’t be afraid to try!
Look at this image. Do you see how it looks kinda okay and then the longer you look at it, the more it fucking sucks? That’s because it was made with generative AI. Don’t be like this. Be like the Angry Metal Guys and write something cool.
With the above in mind, take a few hours of deep soul-searching and be painfully honest with yourself. Do you truly fit the bill? Can you do this job week after week for no pay but plenty of stress and harassment in a fucking hostile workplace? One review a week is a lot to ask, but we expect it from staffers. If you think you can do it, here’s how to apply:
Select a record that you would give a 2.5/5.0 on the Angry Metal Guy rating scale. A 2.5 album is as follows: “An album with enough flaws to make it a tougher listen, and though you may enjoy up to half of it or feel really torn about it, you struggle to imagine returning to it with any frequency.” This means your score at the bottom of the review should say “2.5/5.0;” and not something else.
Write a review for it that is no longer than 700 words. Read our reviews on the site and format your styles accordingly (song titles in quotes, bands in bold, album titles italicized). Don’t use generative AI.
Prepare a separate biographical paragraph that includes all the following information: (a) name; (b) age; (c) location; (d) writing experience (if any); (e) genre preferences (i.e. death, black, doom, power, etc.); (f) why you would be a good fit for the AMG family; (g) a realistic, no BS assessment of your free time to work on assignments.
Send the review and bio to editor [at] angrymetalguy [dot] com with the subject “AMG Casting Call 2024” by no later than midnight (EST) on August 30th, 2024.
Wait politely, we have a review process that takes time. Do not reach out to us, we’ll reach out to you.
Writing for AMG is one of the toughest no-pay jobs you could ever have, but maybe, just maybe, you’re born for it. We wish you luck and may Wotan Himself have mercy on your miserable souls, for we shall have none.
The post AMG Casting Call 2024: We Need a Few Good Fiends to Do the Devil’s Work appeared first on Angry Metal Guy.
