Today’s post is going to be a little different, it’s time for Kpopalypse to take a look at pop from North Korea! Let’s do it!
I’ve been very reluctant to cover North Korea at all in my writing and have only touched on it very briefly in past posts. Part of the reason is that it’s such a tiresome, overworked subject in the media and popular culture, that we’re all sick of hearing about. As all of you who live in countries other than Korea will probably know, as soon as you mention to someone who knows nothing about k-pop that you listen to Korean music, out come the “ha ha North Korea ha ha nukes and people starving ha ha fat dictator” jokes. (You certainly won’t see any such disrespectful jokes in this post.*) Even worse, there’s the “oh my, you like Korean music, you’re not getting indoctrinated, are you” concern, with the answer being of course “yes, but not how you think”. It’s also just a boring subject. Sorry, Kim Jong Un, you might have nukes, but you got no rizz. It’s 2024 and you’re officially “old meme”, the Internet has moved on.
However I feel compelled to address North Korean music on this website, and here is the reason why:
My site’s stats machine gives me this totally cool map which shows all the countries that have visited kpopalypse.com ever since this site first started existing in 2012. Blue indicates a country that has visited this website at least once at any point since 2012, and the USA gets a special dark blue colour because they visit more than any other country, and also because if we don’t give the Galactic Empire a special colour of their own so they feel special, they might get mad and bomb us. However besides Antarctica, which isn’t shown for some weird reason, there are three places on this map that so far have never visited this site.
The first place that hasn’t visited is Western Sahara, which is this country here off the western coast of Africa. Well it’s not really a country, although that depends on who you talk to, because it’s a disputed territory and Morocco to the north actually occupy most of it, as you can see on the map below, with the green bit being Morocco-controlled and the blue bit being held by a group of rebels called the Polisario Front who have been fighting for self-determination against colonisation since the 1970s. They managed to successfully get Spain and Mauritius to both fuck off, but they’re struggling a bit more with Morocco, as you can see:
Western Sahara as of July 2023 (source)
It’s tempting to tell Western Sahara to just fucking get their shit together and visit kpopalypse.com, but I suppose that the people living in Western Sahara would probably get their views counted under Morocco instead, given that most of the population is in the Morocco-held zone. I also doubt that Luke Skywalker and the rebel fleet have prioritised filling out the proper forms for Internet country registration for Western Sahara so I can actually detect their traffic, given that they’re probably more concerned about which direction the bullets are flying in at this point. So I’ll give Western Sahara a hard pass for now or at least give them a few more years to get a decent Internet plan before I write another article shaming them. Oh and did you know that in December 2020 Emperor Palpatine brokered a deal where the US recognised Morocco having full control over Tatooine, in exchange for Morocco recognising the authority of The Death Star? Just putting that out there.
The second country on my shit-list is Svalbard, although it’s also not really a country, as apparently Norway owns these islands, but for some reason they don’t get highlighted on my map when Norway gets highlighted. I guess that’s not the fault of people living here, who are probably just getting counted under Norway. Although only about 3000 people live here, their Internet connection is apparently really sweet because a lot of the undersea cables go through this area, so I know they’re at least getting a good connection, probably much better than the fail Internet in my country. Also while there are no wars in the immediate vicinity at the time of writing (Russians don’t go getting any ideas pls, you barely have any boats or planes left anyway) it’s still dangerous here as it’s cold plus there’s quite a lot of polar bears that live here and they eat people sometimes, so the residents do have a valid excuse to stay indoors and do Kpopalypse surveys. So I’m going to assume that I actually am getting at least a little bit of traffic here from people in Svalbard looking to warm up their long nights with pictures of Karina and Wonho.
So here’s the third country that isn’t visiting, and what the fuck is their excuse, seriously. I’m sure the regular person in North Korea doesn’t get to go Internet browsing that often thanks to Fatty McFat being concerned that the starving people might learn stuff about the world (although judging by the quality of Internet discourse lately, he needn’t worry), but surely at least His Royal Lardass plus his chiefs of staff (or whatever North Korea actually calls the people who have the job of pushing the dusty red buttons on the nuke launchers) get to surf around on their Windows 3.1 office machines occasionally in between electrocuting prisoners (when the electricity works) and drafting love letters to Red Velvet’s Irene. Plus I know that North Korea has quite an active spy network that checks out the evil global Internet space quite often, so I’d at least expect to have been spied on at least one time in the last 12 years but sadly no. What a bunch of cunts.
Of course, as a writer with strong OCD tendencies formed from years of playing the absolute worst pay-to-win gacha computer games, it is therefore my duty to “collect ’em all” Pokemon style and pick up views from these three countries so I can have a complete set and then probably kill myself shortly thereafter, my life purpose having been fulfilled. I don’t really have a strategy for Tatooine or Hoth at this stage, but I think that if I write a post all about pop on the Starvation Planet, eventually Beached Whale and the Fat Cells might finally stop raping underage girls and start noticing my website instead. Maybe even more if I insult everything about them a whole lot, because as we all know anger makes things go viral so if I can piss them off enough I might get some clicks from those fat pedophile fingers, that’s why this post is so rude. So let’s cover some North Korean music in typical cunty Kpopalypse style and see if we can get some fucking web traffic.
Note that the actual group names are missing in many of the following selections. I’m not sure if it matters much – most of these songs in fact have many versions. I think the groups are all pretty interchangeable and who does what song is less about who wrote what and more about who was following all the overabundant strict rules the most closely on any given day. So, not that different from South Korean pop, when you think about it. Nevertheless, if you have the inside track on who some of these struggling artists are that I couldn’t figure out, please let me know.
(artist unknown) – Chollima On The Wing
This is the first result when searching “North Korean pop” on YouTube and it saddens me that the best this all-powerful country can do for their biggest smash hit is a damn lyric video (I did find another video but it was fan-made so it doesn’t count). Chollima is apparently a horse that can run very fast, but this video does not meet required horse standards with no horse footage at all, which would definitely upset Taeyeon as she’s a horse girl. and if it’s not good enough for Mina Taeyeon it’s not good enough for me. The song also has several NMIXX-style change-ups, with the tune hitting the brakes and then gradually speeding up again in the style of “Zorba’s Dance“, geez can Kim Jong Un stop following trendsetter JYP and get his own style damn.
Moranbong Band – With Pride
Moranbong Band are probably the most well-known of all the North Korean girl groups, and they certainly do their best here to show why they’re on top with some slick choreographed dance moves. However unlike their South Korean peers there’s not a backing track in sight and they’re capable of singing and dancing at the same time, plus playing all their own instruments. They’ll also have no trouble singing on encore stages thank you very much, although if they do struggle with a few notes I’m sure they’ll be re-educated in live singing appropriately. It’s also notable that their drummer is using exactly the same Roland V-Drums that Ayeon endorses, check that drum solo into the synth break at 1:54, sweet. There was a rumour that the members of Moranbong Band were all killed a while back due to one of them being caught having an affair or something, but that seems to be rubbish so the lesson to never trust k-pop rumour mills applies equally to both North and South.
(artist unknown) – Rainbow Of Unification
Although South Korea might be lagging behind with openly acknowledging the struggles of their LGBT population, the same can’t be said about North Korea and their LGBT friendly “Rainbow of Unification”. I’m pretty sure the rainbow is an LGBT reference, but even if it isn’t, the hanboks and choreography alone should be enough to let you know that Kim Jong Un is definitely on the side of the gays. I could definitely see Siwon riding on top of one of those funky CGI 1990s Windows screen saver displays, while flexing his muscles and doing skinship with other Super Junior members, maybe he should consider moving.
(artist unknown) – Whistle
The drama video for “Whistle” is definitely impressive, featuring a lot of common Korean pop music video drama mainstays, like traffic scenes, shots of the city at night, and lovestruck men with blue balls harrassing women who are just trying to go about their daily business. I came away from watching it thinking that North Korea actually looks like a reasonable place to visit, so I guess the propaganda value of this video isn’t nothing. The “whistle” of the title also isn’t quite as annoying as Blackpink’s version of the same idea, so let’s just hope Teddy doesn’t get abducted by North Korean agents or Kim Jong Un might indeed take Teddy’s advice to “make a whistle like a missile, bomb bomb“. In the meantime, North Korea’s version of a song called “Whistle” might not be in your area, but it definitely is the revolution.
(artist unknown) – Arirang
Here’s a very old song that predates the split of the two Koreas, it’s still quite popular on both sides of the demilitarised zone today, and “Arirang” has a lot of version in the South Korean scene too so I’m sure that if you follow any K-things you’re probably familiar with it already. I even found a version of the US Marine Corps Band performing the song, so perhaps it can truly be the force that unites the two Koreas. Unfortunately, the song is also a fairly dull ballad with nothing musically noteworthy about it, even this guy shredding it on 8-string guitar has difficulty spicing it up (although I do like his version best), so it’s kind of a drag that if the two countries do unite it’s going to probably result in another million versions of this bland song. Maybe it’s best that we don’t rush into reunification too quickly, I mean this song is 600 years old, I’m sure better stuff has been written since.
Moranbong Band – Let’s Study
Regular readers will know that Kpopalypse is a big fan of Korean “study anthems” like CLC’s “To The Sky” and Weeekly’s “Good Day (Special Dailee)“. I think the reason why these songs are so good isn’t coincidence, it’s because people tend to write their best songs when they’re inspired by writing about subjects that are close and dear to their heart and their own life experience, and Koreans sure have experience with studying a lot. It turns out that North Koreans are equally possessed by the studying bug, and Moranbong Band’s version of “Let’s Study” is definitely one of the more entertaining North Korean songs with its bold orchestration (and it better be bold, or else) and cool suspended keyboard riffs. Moranbong Band also have a unique way to solve the line distribution problems that plague South Korean groups, which is to get all of them singing all the time, so no matter who your bias is here, you’re well-catered to. It also means that if one person makes a mistake in the vocal line, the others can cover for the fuckup before Mr Fat loses his marbles and shoots them all.
(artist unknown) – We Will Follow You Only, Kim Jong Un
I’m not sure whether this is Moranbong Band again or not, it does seem to have the same instrumental lineup but some of the girls look different so I’m not completely sure, maybe they were ‘replaced’ who knows. Anyway this is a more recent song as you can tell from the title as it references the current leader at the time of writing. The video also meets required horse standards as you can see at 2:09, now that’s a strong horse to be bearing that heavy load. You’ll need equally strong ears to listen to this tune which kind of whacks the listener over the head with the shrill gang vocals but at least you’re not forced to clap to it for fear of imprisonment like everyone in the audience.
Ri Gyeong Suk – Don’t Ask My Name
Another cool drama video here, but the song title is particularly of interest. Could this be North Korea’s equivalent to feminist anthems like CLC’s “No” and (G)I-dle’s “Wife“? Probably not because as usual the creepy stalker guy does get the girl in the end, oh well it was a nice thought. Once again the video is great, showing such cool North Korean novelties as streets with people walking on them and electricity being used for things other than electrocuting prisoners. It’s not that bad a song and it’s nice to have a break from the politics, but oh wait the lyrics are about how the guy chasing her shouldn’t concern himself with her name but the fat fuck who runs her country’s name instead, oh well nice try I guess.
(artist unknown) – We Cannot Live Without Him
Another song about the fat fuck. There’s a lot of songs like this and they’re all basically the same in tempo, feel, lyrics etc. No wonder Mr Flab has been listening to Red Velvet instead these days.
Unhasu Orchestra – Train Of Reunification Runs
Here’s a different sounding song with a pretty fast cracking tempo, I guess the quick tempo is there to imply the movement of the “train of reunification” is happening at full speed. Of course lately North Korean politics has taken quite a different turn and Lardo has indicated that he’s more interested in bombing the crap out of the South instead so I’m not sure what’s going to happen to all these “we’re one big happy Korean family” songs. I guess the train of reunification had to take a pitstop because there was too much fat grease on the tracks. Anyway the song is shit but at least it’s speedy so it’s over quicker than Kim Jong Fat’s last visit to the dietician.
(artist unknown) – My Country Is The Best
No it fucking isn’t. Just a reminder that if you think I’m being too rude in this post, Kim Jong Un rapes little girls in his harems and rape by his state officials is completely normalised right throughout the country, so fuck these assholes.
Moranbong Band – Hymn Of Advancing Socialism
This video is pretty wild, featuring footage of North Korean missile tests. Apparently firing rockets is very ‘social’, look at those rockets go. They must be using Kim Jong Flab’s liposuctioned buttock fat to power those things. I also like the random footage of completely normal things as if they’re incredible accomplishments that the North Koreans are so proud of. Yes you have a country (for now) and people in it do stuff, give yourselves a pat on the back there I guess.
(artist unknown) – Ten Million Will Become Bullets and Bombs
I love this one because it’s a rare song with male gang vocals so it’s not quite as shrill as the vibrato-laden female stuff, and also because it really does have some choice lyrics. “With the leader of Steel on our side” while it zooms up on a picture of Kim Jong Un standing on a beach like he’s actually doing something other than standing there being fat is a pretty good moment. Then there’s the lyric “Our Great Army has full capacity in both offence and defence / our words are not empty talk”, like, who are you trying to convince there, pal. The biggest clue to the desperation of it all is the song title, North Korea only has about 25 million people in it at the time of writing, so if ten million become bullets and bombs that means they’re sending literally everyone they can to fight in an act of mega-desperation. Your leader’s calorie-laden dinner is not worth dying for, folks.
Red Velvet – Red Flavor/Bad Boy
I’ve saved the worst for last. I don’t know who these nugus are but implying that the ‘red’ government has ‘flavor’ with the American spelling is certainly what I would expect from only Kim Jong Un’s most loyal followers. Then there’s “Bad Boy” and honestly why glamorise the flabby pedophile leader like that, do these girls not have morals. Oh well, I’m sure they were thrown into a dungeon for their lazy dancing and half-hearted singing over pre-recorded backing tracks (North Korea’s first and only taste of miming), we probably won’t be hearing any more out of them. Oh wait… these girls are on SM Entertainment? Truly one of the harshest dungeons known to man, we should forgive them, let’s pray for negotiations to get them released soon.
I hoped you’ve enjoyed this post but if not be sure to share it with everyone in your Party office so I can farm those North Korean rage-clicks thank you. Oh and please don’t use your geo-relocation VPNs, but if you do, point them to either Western Sahara or Svalbard, thanks cunts!
* if you don’t read it
