It’s the return of the only k-pop related awards that matter – time to check out who is walking the red carpet at the 2023 Kpopalypse Awards!
THE 2023 KPOPALYPSE AWARDS
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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2023
Who specifically made Korean fans cry hardest in 2023?
Nominees:
Giselle (aespa) – for not caring about awards
Ravi (Vixx) – for giving peace a chance
G-Dragon (ex-BigBang) – for not taking drugs and basically being very boring
Heechul (Super Junior) – for offending women, Koreans and Super Junior concertgoers all in one hit
and the winner is:
GISELLE
Not afraid to show her complete disinterest at stupid award shows nobody cares about, Giselle is a true caonima who deserves special recognition from Kpopalypse. Clearly someone who has taken my decade-old post about the uselessness of award shows to heart, who better to receive this year’s first Kpopalypse award? Good work, Giselle! (Heechul on the other hand was just trying way too fucking hard, settle down there mister.)
THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2023
Who specifically made international fans cry hardest in 2023?
Nominees:
Soobin (TXT), Taeyong (NCT), Woozi (Seventeen) – for boldly admitting to being weebs
Fifty Fifty – for… well, who the fuck knows what is happening, but k-pop fans sure fucking don’t
Jennie (Blackpink) – for paving the way straight to low-tier TV series fame
Lisa (Blackpink) – for putting more black and pink in our area than usual
and the winner is:
FIFTY FIFTY
K-pop fans being the incredibly insightful music business experts that they are, definitely knew the best thing for Fifty Fifty to do at every turn in their long-running and multifaceted dispute with their label. That is of course until the situation changed, and then k-pop fans also knew the best thing to do except it was something completely different and contradictory to what they said before. Repeat this process about five more times per month for the last year and that adds up to a whole lot of butthurt and international fans whining about how if only people were to listen to their expert opinion, everything would have been solved. A well-earned award, congratulations, Fifty Fifty!
THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2023
Who had the freshest, flyest hip-hop style of 2023?
Nominees:
pH-1 – for realising his friend Owen is a moron who needs actual help and sticking around to do just that
Julie (Kiss Of Life) – for keeping it so real that k-pop fans can’t cope
Big Naughty – for kissing the girls and not making them cry
Gowon (Loossemble) – for doing none of the above
and the winner is:
BIG NAUGHTY
Big Naughty got into trouble this year with his fans for running off to kiss his girlfriend backstage mid-song. People complained, but they must have missed the memo: this is a rapper with a hit song this year called “Hopeless Romantic“, he was just trying to keep it real and live up to the song’s hype. I for one am sick of rappers who don’t walk the talk in their lyrics. There’s too many supposed ‘gangster’ rappers in Korea not dealing drugs or dying in exciting gun battles, and also too many Korean rappers with ‘love songs’ who don’t show the slightest hint of romance where it really counts. Big Naughty certainly showed them all how it’s done, cheers for paving the way!
THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2023
Who raised more awareness of cultural sensitivities than any other idol in 2023?
Nominees:
SHINee – for appreciating Minho’s healthy tan
Julie (Kiss Of Life) – for her faithful and authentic rap covers
Chaeyoung (Twice) – for ushering in a new wave of punk rock appreciation
Siwon (Super Junior) – for making sure to be inclusive of the LGBT community in his memes
and the winner is:
CHAEYOUNG
Twice’s Chaeyoung did a world of good for the cultural and musical education of k-pop fans by forcing them all to become acquainted with the history of 1970s punk rock so they could then have enough ammunition to fight their silly Internet arguments. For the bonus round she even threw in a quick extra lesson on the disturbing cross-pollenation between American cult members and South Korean TV studio wardrobe departments. Good work Chaeyoung, have an award!
THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2023
Who did more to highlight important gender issues in k-pop in 2023?
Nominees:
Hwasa (Mamamoo) – for singing “Touch My Body” complete with practical demonstration
Heechul (Super Junior) – for offending women, Koreans and Super Junior concertgoers all in one hit
Lisa (Blackpink) – for supporting sex workers by stripping with them #sexworkis realwork
Jin (Lovelyz) – for advocating for free love between idol groups
and the winner is:
HWASA
Men get to touch themselves and each other on stage all the time in k-pop (just ask Siwon), so why can’t women? Hwasa is as sick of the worldwide gender-based hypocrisy around playing with your nether regions in front of a paying audience as any rational person, and she gave the k-pop following world a lesson in how to “love their body” that they were still talking about months later. Someone has to teach k-pop fans how to “c’mon c’mon make it, c’mon c’mon take it” now that T-ara are in catwalk-swanning semi-retirement. Congratulations Hwasa, you’ve definitely earned a Kpopalypse award for your efforts!
THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2023 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS
Who paid down their company debts in the boldest, most daring ways in 2023?
Nominees:
Fifty Fifty – for… actually, who the fuck can even keep track, good luck girls
GWSN – for getting paid all the five cents their label owes them
Chuu – for cashing out on the Blockberry slot machine
Kevin (The Boyz) – for resorting to smoke signals and carrier pigeon to convey his discontent about royalty splits
and the winner is:
CHUU
For the second year running Chuu scoops the important “ka-ching” category, by not only completely recouping all her Blockberry-related costs, but even getting them to fork out her legal fees! Paving the way for her groupmates to escape her old agency just like in certain well-known computer games, it really was a case of life imitating art as Chuu secured the bag plus a successful solo career. Thanks Chuu for your services to k-pop and also for making sure I was able to recycle at least one image from last year’s awards post, this award is yours!
THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2023 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF
Who was the most fearless rookie girl-group punching-bag of 2023?
Nominees:
BabyMonster – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
TripleS – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
Kiss Of Life – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
Young Posse – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
and the winner is:
TRIPLE S
While the bullshit reasons for people hating the other female groups this year did have at least some vague semblance of substance to them, the charges against TriplesS pretty much just amounted to “there are people in the group, gosh how will I remember them”, as if that isn’t a problem with every k-pop group ever. Kpopalypse may not remember them individually but will certainly remember the impressive abilities of any group able to cause hate by doing nothing other than all breathing in the same room together (which this group are actually yet to do given that all the members haven’t been revealed yet) so that definitely deserves a Kpopalypse award! Congratulations, TripleS!
THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FAN CRITICAL THINKING 2023
Who did more to reveal the stupidity of k-pop fans than anybody else in 2023?
Nominees:
Fifty Fifty – for… well whatever’s going on, it’ll probably change by next week anyway
EXO-CBX – for being upset with SM for all of five minutes
Dongwoon (ex-Highlight) – for getting married and also being very boring
Giselle (aespa) – for being a caonima in general
and the winner is:
EXO-CBX
EXO-CBX confronted their label about their notoriously unfair contracts, probably hoping for a Loona-style rally of support and solidarity from EXO-L, one of the most powerful and long-lasting k-pop fandoms. Of course they didn’t get that support because EXO-Ls were far too busy taking the L and sucking that corporate cock to help their own favourite group members when they needed it the most. Having been left high and dry with no negotiating power by the same fans who claimed to love them until the end, EXO-CBX then had no choice but to settle out of court, so hopefully their new contract terms don’t suck satan’s scaly pecker as much as their doxxing, cyberbullying fandom does. At least by attempting this difficult path, EXO-CBX did a valuable public service to rational sensible music lovers everywhere by reminding them that all k-pop fandoms are more or less equally shit, something that’s easy to forget in this day and age where one exceptionally creepy and cult-like fandom dominates the k-pop discussion space. Please take this final Kpopalypse award for your service, EXO-CBX!
That’s all for the 2023 Kpopalypse Awards! We hope that you have enjoyed tonight’s presentation! Please make your way out of the auditorium in an orderly manner and remember that it’s dangerous out there at night, but don’t worry – if you need police assistance on your way home, just start rubbing your privates and they will show up within a minute! Kpopalypse will return!
