It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
I guess Junwon’s fantasy was that he might get paid one day.
Jessica – Beep Beep
Rachel Kim has by far the best song she’s had since leaving her group. It’s not outstanding but it at least capitalises on her strength as Girls Forever’s airport fashion leader.
Taeyeon – To. X
Meanwhile Rachel’s arch-nemesis Mina is struggling with a case of the dreary clean hollowbody jazz guitar loops, in this song which sounds like it should have been a short intro to a much better song.
BABY MONSTER – Batter Up
The typical stale Teddy thing, wasting time plodding along like a “Wet-Ass P-Word” for most of its running length, perking up only for the final stretch (as usual) and finishing right when they’ve finally established a decent hook. It’s a cheap tactic designed to make you want to replay it of course, but then you could also go and listen to any number of other songs that are actually good all the way through instead of just for the final 20 seconds.
Dreamcatcher – OOTD
You know it’s a bad week in k-pop when even Dreamcatcher comes in wanting. Their song is big on impressive sonics but light on both heaviness and melody, this song doesn’t really play to any of their established strengths, or any yet to be established ones.
Park Bom feat. Dawn – I
One day there’ll be peace in the Middle East, Elon Musk will buy Chuu a Tesla and Park Bom will get more than five seconds of screentime in her own videos.
LAYSHA – Yes or Not
Weak reggae-lite that lacks the required melody and production smarts to get over the line.
iii – Forbidden Midnight
We’re back in the ‘hall of the mountain of AI shit‘, with every girl rocking a bland remix of that horrid even-more-generic-than-your-fave “Stable Diffusion” face that you see on AI influencer YouTube tutorials. (If you didn’t understand that sentence, be grateful.) Companies should be fined one million dollars for every second of footage like this that they subject us to.
Heejin – Addiction
Heejin doesn’t try too hard to sing this annoyingly vocally-smothered trash convincingly, so you probably shouldn’t try to listen to it all that hard either.
Dino – Wait
I’m waiting for a good song. Still waiting.
Wonho – Somebody
Not a bad song but Wonho keeps his shirt on so let’s be real, you might as well just keep scrolling.
VIXX – Amnesia
Plodding and dull, as forgettable as amnesia itself.
MCND – Odd-Venture
There’s a vague shade of country music riffing on this song and that’s good enough reason for me to hate it.
Fantasy Boys – Potential
If you’re going to make the boys sing this ball-crushingly high why not just do everyone’s ears a favour and launch a girl group instead.
Fantasy Boys – Get It On
Their other song isn’t much either but at least it’s in a reasonable vocal register.
24K+ – Roller Coaster
Not bad for some new group I’ve never heard of, it’s nothing amazing but it’s pacy and not stupid and sometimes that’s enough.
LUN8wave – Playground
I was impressed by the amount of pink balls in this video. Sorry but that’s all I got.
JO1 – Itty Betty
Usually when they have a silly car in the music video, the car is in the centre, so I’m not sure why this one is weirdly off to the side, like the driver is waiting for the boy group to fuck off so he can do a u-turn. He should just floor it anyway – trust me, driver, the boys will move.
Miyeon – Milestone
I’m not sure what this song is for exactly but apart from the vocals needing to be pushed back in the mix a little so the instrumental can come through, there’s not a lot wrong with it.
Kim Boa feat. Microdot – Bloody
Kim Boa should have been huge but she wasn’t and it’s a shame that this song kind of rambles because I’d really like to stan her more. It’s sad times when the token male rapper has the best part of the song.
YOUNG POSSE – OTB
Nothing much going on here of interest.
Pierce – Greedy
Gosh in the post-Newjeans world Pierce are practically veteran hags. Still their song actually isn’t too bad apart from the pathetic whistle hook.
Na Goeun – By your side
One of the girls who is in Purple Kiss and who isn’t Swan did a thing and I’m not sure that I care, so instead let’s have this week’s black music feature! If there’s one place where people don’t tend to expect black musicians, it’s the UK goth and post-punk scene that’s stereotypically all about white performers wearing even whiter makeup… but of course, black musicians were pioneering in this scene as well, one of the most notable examples being Barry Adamson. To sum up the full scope of Barry Adamson’s diverse career and far-reaching influence on modern music would take an entire roundup all of its own so I’ll just leave you with this little swinging instrumental that has one of the grittiest bass tones I’ve ever heard, be sure to play at maximum volume in your neighbours’ area.
Forestella – Chagall’s Dream
Back to k-pop and… hey fuck this, can we go back to Barry Adamson?
Rocky – Lucky Rocky
One sax riff does not a song make.
Bang Yedam – Only One
Seriously how the fuck did I get tricked into covering this genre. Damn those T-ara photobooks must’ve been really good.
Yaochen – Adventure Player
Why does JYP think we want this and not a Jeongyeon solo, I ask you.
UV – Vely Vely
“Gosh doesn’t this melody sound funny haha” wasn’t a joke strong enough to sustain my interest through the 2 minutes and 45 seconds that I had to endure this song for.
Jun.K – Command C+Me
I like the “from 2PM” in the title because he knows just as well as I do that you need a reminder as why you should give a crap. Mind you it’s probably the best thing he’s done as a solo artist, which isn’t saying a lot but at least it’s not a second-gen k-pop idol ballad. We are grateful for small mercies here at kpopalypse.com.
Zior Park – Walking Through The Darkness
I’m sorry but Meet The Feebles has ruined any possibility of anyone ever again singing dramatically on a staircase on a stage and being taken seriously. We all know where that leads now.
Crush – Ego
If he wants to crush his ego he should just read this website a bit as I don’t think he’s had one positive review here ever. Or maybe he has, I forget. He’s just that forgettable, sorry.
BIG Naughty – YCN > IVR
It’s kind of… rock-ish? It’s not enough though.
Ryeowook – It’s Okay
No it isn’t.
See Hyun Hee – MISHMASH
It’s a weak, poppy version of Jet’s “Are You Gonna Be My Girl“, which itself was a weak, poppy version of Iggy Pop’s “Lust For Life“, which was just a dumbed-down version of Martha and the Vandellas “I’m Ready For Love“. Everything is black music, originally.
Yuri Park & DMITRYSFACE – Please Stop It
If only they would.
Kanghyun – Rest
I deleted tons of boring shit out of roundup this week, but this can stay. This little guitar solo is decent, I dig it. It’s not even the first time he’s done something like this so that’s cool. There should be more actual guitar players in k-pop and less people pretending.
Cacophony – Draw The Bow Right Now
This is good too. Cacophony understand ballads. Other groups could learn.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
JYP – Sweet Dreams/When We Disco/Take On Me/Changed Man
My readers made it clear that they were going to murder me in cold blood if I didn’t put this in, and since I can’t die just yet as I haven’t finished my book series, here it is. Medleys basically suck and this is no exception, getting a bunch of great songs and kind of sucking all the appeal out of them by matching them up in ways that don’t fit (the very unimpressed-looking women in the audience are clearly thinking the same), but at least JYP is demonstrating here that he fully understands the lineage of what he’s doing. It bodes well for more bangers in the future, even if JYP will probably only ever give them to himself to sing, the stingy bastard.
Chuu Can Do It – Traditional Alcohol Making – Part Time Job
Chuu has finished saving the world now – have you noticed how everything’s saved yet? Or maybe everything’s just more chaotic now, I guess what did we expect to happen when we put Chuu in charge. Anyway she’s done her bit, now it’s time for you to do yours while she gets fucked up on some weird beverage. Also it’s still very environment or something, because this shit she’s drinking has something to do with recycling slag from iron smelting? Who the fuck knows, just watch Chuu being a Chuu and don’t think about it too much because I sure didn’t.
Super Junior – Don’t Don
Remember when Super Junior were a metal band for about a week in a the late 2000s? Super Junior themselves seemingly forgot about this sound quickly too, and it’s probably just as well as it’s clear here that the topliners had no clue whatsoever to do over the top of those castrated-sounding metal riffs. Of course Shindong’s potential as a nu-metal frontman is wasted and instead Henry gets his violin out to soften the proceedings in the most anticlimactic way possible, the result is still kind of fun I guess but more as an abstract ‘fancy that they thought this was a good idea’ curio rather than something you’d actually sit down and listen to.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
