It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!
Good work, Han Seo Hee – you got him!
Red Velvet – Chill Kill
Melodically it’s a bit like IU’s “The Red Shoes” in some ways, and by that I don’t mean it sounds similar, because it definitely doesn’t, but there’s a similar reaching for an anthemic hook type thing going on. However instead of shoes it’s boots made of lead, it never gets off the ground because the big “don’t think about tomorrow” hook is just weighed down so heavily by everything else around it. The result is literally headache-inducing to listen to.
Aespa – Drama
Aespa is very much “in our area” with the languid pace and thuddingly awful lyrics, but the sheer strength of the backing track saves the day. It’s amazing how good something can sound when the songwriters pick one tonality and explore it a bit instead of either just sitting on one riff or changing things up for no reason every 30 seconds.
Stray Kids – LALALALA
Stray Kids basically do Aespa’s song at twice the speed but also about five times the simplicity, there’s no real hook here, just a bunch of boys yelling “I am a pirate” a lot.
Soojin – Agassy
This song really needed something better than that weird synthesiser-fart exploration for a chorus, but holy shit I don’t think I give a fuck because gosh does Soojin look great and it’s just good to have her back. Let’s all send her some positive thoughts now.
Kep1er – Grand Prix
I’m noticing this trend in k-pop lately where instead of actual singing for the chorus, or even rapping or chanting or whatever, they now pick one syllable and do something mind-alteringly stupid with it. I guess they’ll hope that you’ll laugh enough to remember the song, but with every third idol group doing this these days, the joke’s getting old fast.
KISS OF LIFE – Bad News
Too much nauseating vocal showboating over bland acoustic blues riffs can reduce your concentration while driving, watch this helpful PSA video and learn the lesson.
APOKI – Hashtaggg
I feel a bit better about the fucking ugly CGI rabbit weirdly getting all the best songs lately ever since I learned that U Sung Eun is the singer behind her, let’s all close our eyes and think of U Sung Eun.
Juju Secret – Alone
The usual written-while-taking-a-shit ballad that these girls don’t deserve.
NiziU – Lucky Star
Someone put a Twice song in a blender and it came out all chopped up, who would’ve thought.
P1Harmony – Fall In Love Again
This song’s so boring that the Paradise Diner refused to stay open for it.
OMEGA X – Junk Food
A really weird and fascinating backing track here, that probably needed a completely different kind of vocal approach to the usual boy-pop thing.
A.C.E – Effortless
Not bad, with some decent bass propelling it along. No leg exposure though, I’m so sorry readers, please take the time you need to recover.
WHIB – Bang!
I’d like the era of whistle-hooks to end soon, because none of these groups can do it right. Ennio Morricone outsold.
Golden Child – Blind love
It’s not quite up there with their song from last week and it’s probably just as well because The Bias List needs some time for his balls to stop hurting after having fully drained them.
ONE PACT – Rush in 2 U
“I don’t wanna waste our time”, they sing, but I’m not sure if they mean it, because this video was released.
Kerrigan May, Maginot, !dongivafxxk – Bomb
The legend Kerrigan May is back, unfortunately this time she’s turned the Autotune on, plus she has some horrible other Autotuned guys with her.
eite – Dance It Out
“One take version”, please. Next it’ll be “we own a camera version”. Can’t we just have fucking music videos where people put their best foot forward, or not?
Hongjoong – A Walker
And again, “special clip” – why? Fuck off already. It’s a music video or it isn’t. In 2024 I should disqualify all of this crap from inclusion because the songs almost always suck anyway. This garbage isn’t worth the ten seconds of contribution to RSI that I spend hitting the keys to shit on it.
L – Ashita ni Mukatte (Melody)
That barista really did take the L in every sense of the word, dating him during this boring ballad croonfest.
Jungwoo – Cloud Cuckoo Land
Like a lot of the boy-pop this week, I liked the sounds a lot more than the song.
ON – I’ve Got Trouble
This guy’s only trouble is his song is as bland as the beige walls he’s singing it in.
DDGirls – Knock Knock
I’m told that this is a group of streamers, and it kind of shows in the look, they’ve almost all got that “Stable Diffusion” face. It also shows in how the chorus is just a bunch of noises to dance over, which is the modus operandi of most ‘adult oriented’ girl groups. Wonho is probably watching these girls right now.
Koala feat. Jay Park, Chio Chicano, BM – RSVP Remix
We’ve had this song in roundup before and here it is again with a slightly different cast of characters. It doesn’t really matter though, the beat isn’t any different and Jay still owes my girlfriend two bottles of soju. Maybe three now.
Bang Yedam – Miss You
Well Bang Yedam’s song sure fucking sucks ass so instead let’s have our weekly back music feature! The 1865 are cool and they sound to me like The Pixies with more distortion and lyrical concepts that actually make sense to people who don’t do heroin, definitely two improvements. They’re also not afraid to get very political, which is something that’s pretty missing in a lot of today’s musical landscape where everyone’s out there looking for every last corporate cock to suck, so I definitely appreciate their existence, you could support them if you wanted.
Eric Nam – I Wish I Wasn’t Me
I wish I wasn’t Eric Nam either… oh wait, I’m not! Awesome, that means I don’t have to sing this ballad to anybody.
Devine Channel, Dawn – Vanilla Sky
Hey this is really good, and not in that typical trendy “let’s drive a car down a neon street and have mullets and a T-rex with laser eyes” way, it’s just well-written and has good sonic choices and that’s all you need really.
Meenoi feat. Zico – And You
Zico’s car is broken down on the highway, if only he had a golden phone to ring the auto mechanic with.
James Reid, B.I, DJ Flict – Jacuzzi
I don’t know if this piddling little cameo from B.I even counts as worthy of inclusion but I had to listen to this garbage so now you have to.
VINCE – Get Out
The bass player is putting in work here, doing their best to try and make this generic disco ball-licking nonsense sound interesting, but it’s not enough.
NELL – Moon Shower
Oasis with more black clothes and just as boring.
Woo Yerin – Tokki
This song and video is just too nice. People like this don’t exist. It needs an ending like Heidi The Hippo in Meet The Feebles to being it back down to earth.
YongYong – Orange Sunny Angel
I can’t remember if this group have done stuff I’ve liked before or not, but this is decent.
WUNO feat. DJ Jobaker, RIVERA, Cuervo, MILO, DJ Antony – 50 Years
Wow someone finally copying the decent 90s hip-hop instead of the weak, soft shit from back then like all Korean rap groups seem to do 90% of the time when they’re being retro.
Khundi Panda – Somozu Fever
Here we have some hard beats too, which is great but this shit pisses me off actually because they’re clearly capable of getting it right so that means they’ve got no excuse for when they fuck it up so badly with soft weak shit the rest of the time. It’s depressing enough to make me end roundup right here.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
Kookielit – The RUDEST Kpop Idols According To Reporters & Staff!
If you want a list of people to stan, here you go. I knew I liked Girl’s Day for a reason.
Jessi on Why Kpop Stars Are Afraid To Be Themselves
Watch Jessi spend three minutes tiptoeing her way around this question because she doesn’t want to say “they’re all a mob of fake ass bitches” and have it go viral.
Baby VOX – Coincidence
This song was certainly ahead of its time, but avant garde doesn’t always mean good. Baby VOX here impressively foreshadowed both k-pop’s awful “latin” and “switch up” trends by over a decade, with some of the cheesiest melodies and most awkward transitions I’ve ever seen in a music video. I’ve never heard a song sound so incredibly dated AND simultaneously be trend-riding enough to have potentially been written yesterday.
That’s all for this week! Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!
