Damn, I just finished writing my first novel and ex-Lovelyz Jin is out here spoilering parts of my second one before I’ve even started on it! A true caonima.
VIVIZ – Pull Up
This boring blues-based blandification of 70s style disco is as ill-suited to Viviz as Eunha’s hair extensions are to Eunha.
BSS (Seventeen) feat. Lee Youngji – Fighting
Youngji once again is brought out as the tool to help hard-carry someone else’s unspectacular song, and rather than making the song better, she just sort of carves out her own much better and completely different song in the middle for 30 seconds and then fucks off, leaving the group in the lurch (just like she did to Hyolyn).
Taeyeon – Nights Into Days
SM are the weirdest company – they’re so keen to break new ground with their upbeat songs to the point where half of them sound like a future-car with an engine fault, yet when it comes to ballads everything still sounds like it was made in 1957.
TVXQ – Parallel Parallel
It’s a real worry when there’s only two fucking members in the group and I still can’t tell them apart. If they didn’t have different coloured jumpers we’d all be fucked. What is SM even doing. Oh, speaking of the things that happen at big and well-known labels, the e-book of my novel “Show Me Love” is now available for pre-order, enjoy reading about the full adventures of Hana on the release date which is March 1st. It’s only a few dollars, or it’s free for those with Kindle Unlimited. Paperback (which can’t be pre-ordered sadly) also coming out at around the same time. I promise the book is definitely probably fictional.
THE7 – Get Loose
Not too bad from some group I’ve never heard of I suppose, but this week’s Kpopalypse Nugu Alert sure kicked the shit out of all the idol groups this week for song quality that’s for sure. Kpopalypse Nugu Alert jsut had its 9th anniversary this year, if you’re not reading it what are you doing with your life, nothing worthwhile probably.
Cignature – I’m Okay
Great chorus, the rest of it is a total waste of time though. Someone needs to tap k-pop songwriters on the shoulder and let them know that precisely zero percent of the world’s great three-minute pop songs chop and change styles every thirty seconds.
E’LAST – Nightmare
All the mesh-shirt-wearing shirt-lifting fun you’d want out of a k-pop boy group, song’s a bit drab but then what isn’t this week. Interesting how in some shots the air-conditioners are on and in others they’re not, I guess they’re cutting on costs so support these guys while you can.
220 Kid, Kang Daniel, Willim – Look Where We Are
Look where you are, in Kpopalypse roundup, getting shat on. Next.
eaJ – Sober Go Away
Why does he have a neck tattoo like a thot?
BIG Naughty feat. Kim Minseok – Fxxxnds
Melomance members, ruining a song near you.
MZ SooChaeHak – My One and Only
Look at these poor women. I get that they’re trying to get into the feel of the song but they really do look like they’re hating life.
Sojung – Hello
She’s never going to escape ballad hell, is she. Remember when Ladies Code members got to do fun stuff, like Ladies Code songs? Those were the days.
Jeong Mi Ae – Don’t Worry
At least the trot doesn’t suck. This song is by no means great but even average trot from Average Land is better than your bias this week.
Retro City – Fiancèe
Someone’s been watching “Mega Punch” and realised that there’s just not enough of this type of thing out there. These guys aren’t quite as snappy but they get points just for the thought.
TIGER EATS TOAST – Break The Wall
Another good song. 2023 is definitely shaping up to be all about the nugus so far. It’s not looking good for your bias on the best of 2023 list.
Balming Tiger – Trust Yourself
Not as incredibly horrible as Balming Tiger usually are but still as brain-mashingly repetitive as they usually are.
Bandi – So We Are
“Gradient” finishes on guitars look dumb and that’s that on that.
Odd Dimple – If There’s a God
If there was a god, Korea would have left soft shitty rock like this back in the dictatorship days.
Tae Hwa Yoon – Yes
Gosh you wouldn’t want to be allergic to flowers.
Song Min Kyung – Something Big is Coming
Acoording to my song submitter this girl used to be in The Seeya and her song is actually pretty cool but damn the drama sections of her video could have used some squicker editing.
Cho Joo Han – Hit
Not much of a fan of the song or the cringe trying-too-hard-to-be-funny video, but damn the guitar solos are great!
Dearcloud – Bye Bye Yesterday
This is kind of average until it takes a really weird turn for the breakdown, I didn’t mind it at all.
Se.A – Good Lies
Definitely one of the best videos I’ve seen recently, just for the visual aspect.
Dust Funk – Low & High
Basically just Daft Punk, and just as shit as they always were. One of the worst groups in human history.
Rosy Barbie – All I Want for Christmas
I should probably save this for the Christmas roundup but it’s so short that it’s barely even worth remembering.
EUM (sokodomo, XINSAYNE, Omyo, JP, PULLIK, Hottiehottiebaby – Input + Output
Your reminder that rap collabs are a thing that exists. Nobody is quite sure why.
GOLDBUUDA feat. Kamiyada+, Original God – Your Lives Matter
Sorry, but no they don’t. I guess this means it’s time for your weekly lesson in black music. Body Count was stereotyped as a “rock/rap” group, or sometimes even just a “rap group” when they first appeared, which was easy to do because of rapper Ice-T being the singer, but actually they were always just a rock group, no more or less. The mislabeling was a deliberate attempt by the media at the time to whip up hate especially in the wake of the 1992 LA riots which people were desperately looking for a scapegoat for. If people saw “controversial rap group” in the headlines it would be scary but if people saw “controversial rock group” readers would just think “what, like The Beatles and The Rolling Stones?” If only the kids in k-pop fandoms were able to be as actively non-racist as Ice-T is, but that’ll probably never happen, especially not these days when being a racist fuck is trendier than ever.
Kash Bang feat. Saggypants Shimba – Round 2
Someone actually thought “saggypants” was a good name and not something to be ashamed of. This song is actively terrible and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to be. Get a job.
Hong Daekwang – Snow Light
Whoever talked him into using the coffee cup as a prop needs a visit from Hana.
RANDOM BONUS VIDEOS OF THE WEEK
SM’s latest bullshit business statement dicksucking wank for fuckheads
Tons of people asked me about this, so here’s what it’s all about – nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Stop giving a fuck, people. The reason why I started writing about the music business isn’t to enhance your ability to care oh-so-fucking-much about what these cunts are up to and what their plans are and how much money they’re going to make and how they’re going to make it – no. I only cover business aspects in my posts to help artists and people thinking of getting involved in the industry be aware of what the dangers are, and also so fans can hopefully see a little about how the wool is being pulled over their eyes by the machine. Take the corporate cock out of your mouth for five seconds, it won’t kill you.
STAYC Yoon – Sk8r Boi (Avril Lavigne) cover
Avril Lavigne kind of fits the new k-pop rock thing, given that that’s exactly what it’s ripping off. While I’m not exactly a fan of her music, I regret that I never bought the Squier Avril Lavigne Telecaster when it came out, because that thing was great, an actual useful Telecaster, unprecedented.
Teen Top – No More Perfume On You
People always have a crack at this song just because of the lyrics, which are basically about making sure that you don’t stink of perfume so you don’t get busted cheating, as if infidelity is like worse than murder or something. K-pop fans and their holier-than-thou bullshit fake-ass pose, they always trot out the “morals” when it’s convenient for them but nobody over reading age is fooled because as soon as oppar shakes his pearly asscheeks suddenly it’s objectification season open for business. Cheating’s fine anyway, if you have a reason. I don’t advocate hurting people for fun or just for the hell of it, but what if they deserve it? What if your boyfriend is beating the shit out of you, or maybe he’s just an asshole? You practically have a moral obligation to cheat on such a scumbag, do it caonima. If you want more great life advice like this where some old-as-fuck asshole tells you how to run your life, don’t forget to send in your QRIMOLE questions folks. Anyway stop pretending you’re so fucking high-and-mighty like everyone does on the Internet these days because they’re terrified of being “cancelled” (nothing to be afraid of, it happens to me weekly at this point and I’m still here) and just hate on this stupid song for the dreary music instead, it makes a lot more sense.
